Author Topic: Song of Destruction: The Story  (Read 39100 times)

Offline WhiteRose

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Re: Song of Destruction: The Story
« Reply #20 on: February 28, 2014, 11:10:31 AM »
*Legally doubleposts*

How is this looking? I incorporated a lot of winkio's ideas in this revision, and though it's not quite caught up to where I left off yet, I think it's looking a lot better as far as having fewer glaring errors.

(click to show/hide)

EDIT: I added a few more paragraphs.
« Last Edit: March 02, 2014, 11:24:48 AM by WhiteRose »

Offline winkio

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Re: Song of Destruction: The Story
« Reply #21 on: March 03, 2014, 08:57:49 AM »
I like the new ideas.

The one detail that seems a bit out of place is the mention of battle-clerics.  Since when did the church send fighters to war?  Since when was the church involved in war at all?  Also, William does absolutely nothing with this thought, from what you have written.  In my opinion, you should either add another sentence or two around that, or just remove it, perhaps saving it for later on in the story.

TYPOS!

I'm pretty sure you use 'insure' when it should be 'ensure' near the beginning of the 3rd section.
Also near the end, you are missing an 'and' between 'hand' and 'muttered'.

Offline WhiteRose

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Re: Song of Destruction: The Story
« Reply #22 on: March 03, 2014, 11:21:19 AM »
I like the new ideas.

The one detail that seems a bit out of place is the mention of battle-clerics.  Since when did the church send fighters to war?  Since when was the church involved in war at all?  Also, William does absolutely nothing with this thought, from what you have written.  In my opinion, you should either add another sentence or two around that, or just remove it, perhaps saving it for later on in the story.

TYPOS!

I'm pretty sure you use 'insure' when it should be 'ensure' near the beginning of the 3rd section.
Also near the end, you are missing an 'and' between 'hand' and 'muttered'.
Good call with the battle clerics. Now that I think about it, I actually got my history messed up - I was thinking that the battle clerics were from the original war with the Titans, but the Overgod hadn't made an appearance yet, so the Church wouldn't have been organized. Definitely just a mistake on my part. I'll just cut that out.

And I'll go back and fix the typos. :P

Thanks again for the feedback. It really helps.

I've finished writing the next few paragraphs as well. It doesn't stop in a very good breaking point, but it's late enough that I'll hold off writing the next part for now.
(click to show/hide)

I think that I did a lot better writing around Alice's gender without it sounding awkward or out of place. I also applied several of your suggestions with regard to her motives, and changed up the dialogue a little bit. Also, we're finally caught back up again, so now we can move forward into things that people aren't reading for the third time. Hooray! XD

Offline winkio

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Re: Song of Destruction: The Story
« Reply #23 on: March 03, 2014, 05:54:35 PM »
Yes, this is much better.  Everything flows nicely, including the conversation, and there are no glaring plotholes :D  This is getting good, and I'm looking forward to the new content!

Offline locowhiteknight

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Re: Song of Destruction: The Story
« Reply #24 on: March 06, 2014, 02:35:31 AM »
Nice job! I like the way you handled Alice's big reveal. I also wanted to say that over all I enjoy reading your writing style ;

I found one small typo maybe two.

"now loud enough to split the ears. A knight stood in the doorframe, wearing hulking metal armor the shone brilliantly in"

Good luck with the project!
« Last Edit: March 06, 2014, 02:37:05 AM by locowhiteknight »
"Let's get down to brass tacks. How much for the ape?"

Offline WhiteRose

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Re: Song of Destruction: The Story
« Reply #25 on: March 06, 2014, 03:36:43 AM »
Nice job! I like the way you handled Alice's big reveal. I also wanted to say that over all I enjoy reading your writing style ;

I found one small typo maybe two.

"now loud enough to split the ears. A knight stood in the doorframe, wearing hulking metal armor the shone brilliantly in"

Good luck with the project!

Thanks for the feedback, and for pointing out that typo! I've fixed it.

I also updated the first post with the latest version of the story, so it's now up to date with everything written so far. I'm going to try and get the next part up as soon as possible.