The Storyline Service. Worldbuilding, Plots, Characters & Internal Consistency!

[Xuroth]

I PM'd you with most of the details you asked for....

[Starrodkirby86]

Hello. I'm not part of the staff here...but screw that. oxo

First of all, I understand how difficult it is to condense a whole story and its own unique perks into a few paragraphs. You simply can't explain so much plot in so little.

Anyway, let's see what I can do with this story...

1) Sure, it's working out nicely. Whee. You have your whole conflict, Alyra wanting to meet her mother again but then gets confronted by Agyrus...or something like that. It gets solved, that's good. ...I might as well just get into the feedback.

2) Try taking this test for Alyra and see what she gets. http://www.springhole.net/quizzes/marysue.htm Answer honestly. If she has high points, then you may want to consider making her less perfect.

She is attacked by the demon and a boy from a neighboring village is chasing it. ... The girl is now convinced that her mother is imprisoned in the Pit

How does the demon saying Mommy's name make Alyra know about her mom's whereabouts? Perhaps we need to learn more about "The Pit", especially how does Alyra know it. Is she the owner of it or something?

You do realize that main characters having similar names isn't a good thing, right? I mean, it's going to be a pain to remember if the characters' names were John, Jun, Jan, and Joe or something, wouldn't it? :s In your case all the characters have "A" as their first letter, as you mentioned before.

The only real plot twist in this story is a disappointment. Oh...she's a demon, eh? It's typical story stuff, unfortunately. I'm not saying in particular that you should change it to something else, but I'm saying that I was looking for something more. OK, maybe her mother dying was a good plot point, but...regardless.

What ever happened to Aeravyn? Does he, like, start fapping in bed waiting for Alyra to come back? (No seriously, what happened to him after the climax of this story?)

While loved deeply by those she names her parents, most people feel uncomfortable around, though nothing seems to cause this feeling but her mere presence. Alyra, the girl, becomes ill. One day, she is angry at some children (younger than she anyway) and wishes they would learn to just behave. In her immense anger, she unknowingly summons a wolf demon. The demon brutally slaughters the children, but is fought off by the villagers. None blame ALyra, for they do not realize it was her fault.

So what do they do? Say the Wolf Demon stepped in on his merry way trying to find red-hooded girls children to eat? Just sayin', bro.

3) If you to make the story longer, have some episodes that each establish something for the bigger picture. For example, have a moment with Alyra and Aeravyn together and show off some character or some hot relationship action.  That's how you can make random filler worth something. You simply make it relate to the big picture by giving the player some new knowledge about the characters or  the history of this place.

[Xuroth]

Yes, I do realize the naming conventions require work. These names are actually just "placeholder" names used from characters in other stories I made. I will most likely change most names, but Alyra. I do like that name...

Plot... I will admit, it's lacking. I only created the storyline in a few minutes, and I had many issues trying to make the story work. It still doesn't work... but unfortunately, I have an obsession with seeing stories come to an end. (Man, I wish WoT had gotten finished). I scored a lucky, but disappointing score of 69 in that Mary-Sue Litmus test. I need to redesign the characters, but I want to avoid having characters designed for the world, and vice versa.

The demon, when mentioning Alyra's mother is a little more informed of the mother's whereabouts. She happens to be a demon hunter in vengeance for being raped by a half demon. She feels that no person should have their lives destroyed by such beasts. Thus, the demon Alyra fights mentions that her mother is imprisoned in the Pit (again, name to be changed). Most people know of the Pit, but fear it because of the unholy denizens that reside there. (think Hell from modern religion, with a few twists (cliche *cough).

as for the only plot twist being "ZOMG IM PART DEMON!!!!!", I tried (and failed) to make that point not as critical to the overall story. Seeing as how she requires her powers to conquer Agyrus, the whole point was a failure in itself. I need to rework this whole "rising action" part to include more twists, incorporate other character's stories into the storyline (to provide motivation, and to add to the overall story (plus extra filler)).

As for the other characters, when the older gentleman is hosting the demonic seance, Alyra goes into the portal (used for summoning the imp) and to save her (and cuz he doesnt want a potential bed buddy to die) Aeravyn enters after her. The friends, long time friends of Aeravyn (just dont see him everyday, however) are trying to snap Aeravyn out of his infatuation with Alyra. Seeing him do something as reckless as diving into a portal to "*Hell*" to protect a girl who (likely) caused the death of his brother(Aeravyn's), freaks them out a little. Their friend needs to be saved, though these two are weaker than Aeravyn and Alyra (city-folk... dont do very much demon slaying or monster hunting), they decide to go to provide backup to Aeravyn (and to convince him he's nuts and has his priorities mixed up)

Overall, this story needs a lot of work and is not even close to being the *whole* story. ( I have more events before, during and after I am thinking about. I will likely add them to expand the story, give a little more background, and provide some ground so players/viewers can understand "why did that good guy just go to hell for some girl he's got the hots for?" (especially seeing as how that is only sideline action at this point. Aeravyn has a few other reasons, all of them much better...).)

[scoace13]

Ok so in reviewing your story  I have to say first off (and quite often) that it lacks support and motivation, as in I feel no reason to want to make it to the end,  there's just not much driving force there in the story.  Taking away form the driving force that I mentioned  is 1) the cliché,  2) lack of a real climax,  3)minor clarity issues 4) major unanswered questions about the history and  connections between characters,  5)lack of character development, and 6) lack of connectivity to the reader/player.  Ok so to start from the top of the list.  

1)

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This story has major clichés in it, and while some of them work some of them just kill the effect the story  has by over familiarizing the story to a point where you have the end scene figured out frame by frame halfway through the game...this is BAD. Some of the clichés working against you. 1) parent(s) dies/or is dead, kid gets a gem , gem makes them strong enough to beat last boss; 2) 'I have the power to "control" demons....guess what I am one'; 3)random old guy who's always willing to help. To go from the top of our new list: 1) even though this happens last , and mom's death sparks the entire last boss fight  and what not  but  after the death when she carries mom's body out of the pit  the reader/player already know that the fight is happening , so when she gets the gem to use in the final boss fight its like "this is a memento of... and...'s memento turns out to be the 'super sacred holy item that defeats evil in one blow" kind of feel and that somewhat ruins the work that the characters have done to set  up this final scene.  2) You said this yourself  'as for the only plot twist being "ZOMG IM PART DEMON!!!!!", I tried (and failed)' now its not so much that this is a plot twist that failed this but that this is the ONLY plot twist. After she starts talking to demons people start to believe that she is part demon so this doesn't twist anything at this point. For a plot twist to be effective  it has to affect relationships. Think of it this way your about to get married and then you find out that your spouse is a serial killer who kills anyone you marries them, are you still gonna say "I do"? relationships in the story need to be effected in the same way....how do you think Aeravyn is going to like the fact that hes fallen for a "demon", his reaction will make the plot twist successful. (personally something like "great!!! Im a demon too only kinda works). 3) get rid of him....now. People like this always leave the question of "why" and that the last question that you want to leave. So unless you can wrap him into the story I would advise that you find a better way to depict that part of the story.(note: I didn't say trash that part just the character unless you can cleanly tie up all of his motives by the end of the game.) fixing these will reduce the negitive impact that the clichés have on your story.

2)

Spoiler: ShowHide

Next is the climax, or the fact that I never found one while reading. You may have one in there but I didn't feel it there and that is primarily caused by the rising action hollowing itself out at times. The best way to fix that is to add details and keep a solid foundation and direction for example you said "she goes out into the surrounding forest to kill herself (her thoughts lead up to it, her original intention was just to get away from everyone)" this is one of those hollowing out parts, to fix it give us her original intention first and then say while she was in the forest her thoughts began to change and she began thinking about killing herself. That should make the climax feel a little more solid so that you can clearly define where it is.

3)

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Ok in your story there are some clarity issues in some of the things that you have down. Though all of them should be fixed once you actually add the story to the game and give it some visuals. However for a reader sometime the timing of events gets slightly skewed without those visual aids for example you said "she is able to commune with it as it is sent back to the Pit." however in the very next sentence you said "Aeravyn, the boy, does not understand, and delivers the final blow". maybe its just me but I believe final blow means that the beast died however wasn't he sent back to the pit before that? It is minor clarity issues like this that cause a loss of focus and with it a loss of driving force.

4)

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Alright major issue number 2 you have important question left unanswered question like where are they? When are they? What going on? Who are they? And why are they doing this? (note: for the last question the answer "I wanna find mommy" doesn't count as the question is asking why she want to find mommy) answer these questions clearly and
It will be easier for the reader to focus on the story rather than on why. Also take time in the story to have world events and to more clearly define the world that they are in, this will make the setting more believeable and keep the reader/player engaged. Though events do not have to be part of the major story itself but their effect should be present.

still in progress finishing it.

[Xuroth]

While I feel this story has potential, I will think of it more as a learning experience. I will completely overhaul the story (it wont be anything like it is, mainly because I feel the story itself is too weak. with improvements, however it could be a good storyline.) I want to redesign the characters, and the setting. and think of a real plot... I have some friends coming over who are going to help me brainstorm some more ideas... I thank you scoace13 and SRK for your time and your responses. The next story I post here will be a major improvement. (probably just start my own topic about it...) Thanks again for your help; Im going to keep your guys' advice in mind during the rewrite.

[scoace13]

ill try to help...send me what you got and ill see what i can do

[arisenhorizen]

Well, I guess this topic isn't very active right now.

But if anyone needs any help, I'll be glad to lend a hand (Although I'm not very good in it).

[Zare]

Great Topic! I have a story, even for my chars, but the problem is, that it's in german, this is a bad translation of me i just made^^So please gimme your opinion and tipps and help me how i could go on^^
So here we go:

Spoiler: ShowHide

Legend of Gods - The Endless Fight

Prologue - The Endless Fight of two Gods

There are 8 Gods, born out of planets, so 2 gods control each other. Gaia (Earth) and Aevia (Heaven), Leviathan (Water) and Raika (Thunder),
Amaterasu (Light) and Shin (Darkness), Flare (Fire) and Wypior (Ice) controlls each other. Together they created a new world, called Exaroth.
Only Raika can go in the world of the "humans", without transferring in an human body, because he is the guardian of Exaroth. So the other gods would lose their immortality and their power as gods. Wypior is the brother of Shin, so he has a bad influence. Also has Wypior an advantage - with his Ice Power he learned himself Illusions. so with this power he could be the first god, who could break the balance between him and Flare. Shin for example would also like to follow his bad plans, but he can't break the balance between him and Amaterasu. So the normal fight between Wypior persists for ages, but Wypior got better and better with his illusions. And someday, the balance was broken. Flare couldn't do anything, Wypior had an advantage and so he banned Flare in his world of Illusions, in and tower where Flare should never come out (Flare=god=immortal, so he didn't kill him instead). Wypior expanded his world of illusions and also he went to Exaroth and launched his own organisation. With this he wants to rule Exaroth and gain almighty power! ok the last sentence comes from missing ideas for this

So the only one who could stop Wypior would be Flare. Flares Body is moveless, but his spirit isn't. His spirit searched for years for somebody to help him, and that day shall come! His Spirit reaches Azora. Azora is a Pirat, navigates his Pirateship alone. Actually he didn't. Azora wanted ever to be an Air Pirate. But Airships are rare in Exaroth and Azoras biggest dream is to get an airship and have it's own airship crew. so he went away from home, searched for a crew and a pirate ship. After he found a great crew and had an ship, they sailed to the big city Racza, where the heaven and ocean meet each other.  But on the way something horrible happens: A huge storm came and took of the whole crew from the ship. Azora and his steerer survived, but there was nothing to eat and to drink left. So the steerer died a few days later, and Azora was also short before to die.
-Prologue ends-

Spoiler: ShowHide

Chapter One - The uncharted voice

Actually Here starts the real game, the prologue will be explained bit by bit later in the story.

So Azora is alone on his ship, suddenly a voice calls his name. Azora thinks he gets insane. Then he falls asleep.

Later he wakes up in a wet spot in a desert. Azora realizes that his ship is away and he is in a desert, although he was on the ocean.
So he drinks a bit out of the water spot and follows the easiest path. He heard the voice again, thought he was dreaming, but he wasn't.
After a short trip, he found himself in front of a tower. With his lost ship in mind, he hoped to get compensation for his lost ship and went into the tower. On the top of this tower, he finds a floating guy with red hair. Suddenly, he attacks Azora. Azora somehow could beat him and the guy was free. The guy was Flare. After a little conversation Flare can remember the fight with Wypior and what happened. So he tells that it was Flares fault that Azora is here now and the voice was his voice.
So the quest for Flare: Escape from the wold of illusions and go to Exaroth to beat Wypior. Azora and Flare escaped through a gap. Wypiors Illusions aren't perfect, so there are gaps, dimensional gaps. Both could flee through a gap like that and so they landed in Exaroth.

So i think that's almost everything for now...

So here the chars:

Spoiler: ShowHide

 Name      age   job    weapons          miscellaneous
Azora Nakaro, 22, pirate, Greatswords, wants to be air pirate, cheerful, friendly, explorer&adventurer
Flare, God of Fire, ????, Firegod, scythes, temperamental, gets fast flared up (but only against foes)
Serah Shania, 20, Whitemage, Seals, merciful, little naive, comes from a little island where the people don't like strangers, only she does,
                                                   can summon Esper
Zephyr Aeras, 28, Gunslinger, Guns, not many friends and lucky with that, doesn't speak much, mysterious, searches for his determination
Rydia Laaza, 15, Monk, Claws, Half Cat, Half Human, --------------missing Story^^---------------
Yitan Kouzara, 25, Berserker, Longaxe, Can Transform into monsters -> people don't like him except Azora, his first real friend

from here there are some Final Fantasy Chars i wanna implement into my story:

     Name      age   job    weapons          miscellaneous
Cid Highwind, 32, Dragoon, Spear, owns an airship!, depressive -> his dream came true, he has an airship, but he doesn't know what comes
                                                                                         next, thinks his live has nothing else for him
Squall Leonhart, 19, Mercenary, Gunblade, was mercenary, but lost his reputation as soldier, so he doesn't get any job because of a guy of
                                                         Wypiors gangbang organisation. To survive he assaults people and takes their money. until he
                                                         meets Azora. he tries to assault him too, but loses. Azora tells him to join the crew and restore
                                                         his reputation through beating the guy and Wypior. So He joins.
Adelbert Steiner, 48, Knight, Shortswort,--------------missing Story^^---------------
Vivi Orunitia, 9, Blackmage, Rod, --------------missing Story^^---------------

[Daxisheart]

Well, for one, the names seem like a obvious mix of latin-based fantasy crpg names and japanese, which can be good or bad... but here, I'm reading a english-like name and then suddenly there's Azora nakaro... Might try to think about that.

Your prologue goes all over the place with lots of wtf's. I mean, why is the thunder god the only one allowed to the world, what are all these relations and all these sudden names WITHOUT explanations. I got lost and had to reread it over twice(might be because of the translation).

Your last spoiler should be worked out, made more legible. Please explain the role of the characters in the story, because they just seem to be character's you'll meet.


Anyways, the story seems to be an okay FF fan-based game, although I think it would really help to get a translation, from where more criticism and comprehension can be wrought.

[Zare]

Yeah the translation isn't the best, it was about 4 in the morning xD I am thinkin about to make a whole new story with these chars, game in english, nothing about gods. But I have not that much ideas, i need really much help xD and the japanese names and english names I thought it would be good, because of the different regions in Exaroth^^ So a whole new story would be great^^ A story that also makes sense...#

thx for reading and helping me Daxisheart

EDIT: So i have a few ideas, maybe someone could help me making a good story of these and my chars. But please do this through MSN: Kauvin@hotmail.de, icq 311501713 or PM. Of course you will also be credited in my game for the main part of the story!! So here the ideas:
-there should be an organisation with different bad guys
-the story should be about different kingdoms ruled by kings
-probably the story should be about a conflict between these kingdoms
-and last but not least: it is not really a FF fan game, so it has not to be like every FF game! But the time, in which the story takes place is like in FF games - influenced of past but also of future elements.

So please PM me or write through icq or msn, I would really appreciate your help^^   xD

if you add me in msn or icq, please pm me even then to tell me, that you did^^ because i use trillian and sometimes he doesn't add friends to my list... as just right now. someone added me, if that was someone from here, please add me again^^ or write a message! ty

EDIT: Ok thx to Diokatsu for helping me^^

[fthmdg]

I've got a story that could use some work, and specifically some characters :p

here's what ive got so far

Story ::

Spoiler: ShowHide

 The dwarven leaders held counsel recently, discussing what they had recently found. Although they are uncertain as to exactly what the stone is, they know it's powerful. They want to harness its energies, but the only people that understand 'natural' magic are the Elven people. Years of racial tension and warfare between the two cultures make this a difficult situation. The humans are driven by greed, as they often are. They are siding with the elves because they know if the elves get it, then they will reap the benefits as well.

The tensions are getting higher, and though war has not yet been declared between any of the factions, it is undoubtedly coming. The arms race has been building, leaving the economies on both sides struggling. With trade routes both on land and in the sea slowly being taken over by equipment caravans and soldiers, towns and shops aren't getting the things that they need. Even the townspeople are being affected, which is just more fuel to the fire.

Ideas ::

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>> I want to have at least 4 different playable characters, one from each race basically.
>> Medieval setting, mostly natural world

Just a few ideas :]

[Fallen Angel X]

Kay. I'll give this a shot. Don't mind my noobiness, though.

So, I take it the characters have some hand in diplomacy or is that just completely lampshaded? Are you intending there to be an actual war? If yes, is the game centered around the war? It's too basic for me to actually formulate this w/o further details. Sooo, either I get some answers or you try another person ^_^'

[fthmdg]

Ehh, not a fullblown war in the beginning, but more of an escalation that will lead to war in the future. So in this game, no there's not an actual war. Just a lot of tension and battles, but no proclamation of war.

[Fallen Angel X]

kay, I gotcha. So what exactly are the character motivations? What are they aiming to do in this conflict? Are they trying to profit from it, stop it, just getting pulled into it? You have a base idea but it's still not much of a concept for a game. I think you should try developing it a bit more. Mainly because you haven't set in a purpose for each individual playable character. Do that and then you can start planning everything in the middle.

[fthmdg]

kay, I gotcha. So what exactly are the character motivations? What are they aiming to do in this conflict? Are they trying to profit from it, stop it, just getting pulled into it? You have a base idea but it's still not much of a concept for a game. I think you should try developing it a bit more. Mainly because you haven't set in a purpose for each individual playable character. Do that and then you can start planning everything in the middle.

Well the stone [may get changed to some sort of artifact/relic] is something of great magical power, as said earlier. But since its natural magic, the only people that can harness this power are the elves, though the stone is in the possession of the dwarves. So for the dwarves, they want to figure out some way get the elves to help them, but the elves want the stone for themselves. The humans side with the elves, because they know they will benefit from the elves having it since their allies, and same with the orcs to the dwarves.

Does that make sense?

[SwiftDeathSK]

I'm looking for some help coming up with parts of my game's plot. There isn't too much to do, since it's a smaller sized game, but I'm a bit stuck in terms of getting from the start to the finish.

However, I don't want to announce it on here, for personal reasons, so if anyone would be willing to help via MSN or PM, could you please let me know?

PS: it's a comedy inspired by South Park, so I need someone creative that can come up with some crazy and funny situations. There's no fighting either, so all situations need to be solvable with puzzles, if that helps.

[WhiteRose]

I'd love to give you a hand. I'll send you a PM with my MSN in a couple minutes. (Or you could just go stalker-ifically get it from my profile.)

[Diokatsu]

Wow this place actually exists.

[legacyblade]

I think it died though.

[Fantasist]

Indeed. I was a member once, you know ._.