Song of Destruction: The Story

Started by WhiteRose, July 24, 2013, 01:42:28 pm

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WhiteRose

July 24, 2013, 01:42:28 pm Last Edit: March 05, 2014, 08:43:52 pm by WhiteRose
I know that this is a very old project, and that many people don't remember it. However, we did such a wonderful job piecing together the story that I am going to go ahead and write it out, simply for my own enjoyment and for the pleasure of anyone who is interested in reading it. I'll try and update it at least every couple of days. Feel free to read and enjoy, and give any feedback if you see ways to improve things. :)

SONG OF DESTRUCTION


"Overture": ShowHide

Overture
Andante con poco Accelerando.




The tavern was the same as any other night; even from the outside, the noisy racket and clatter of the patrons could be heard. The bard gave a light hiccup as she drained the last few drops of ale from her glass, sliding it across the table to join its rapidly growing congregation of brethren. "Alright, alright, one more," she said with feigned reluctance. Despite her obvious intoxication, her voice was surprisingly clear. There was a roar from the boisterous crowd as she hoisted her thin frame up on the table; the barkeep's smile lessened a little as she set her muddy, travel-worn boots upon a chair. Paying him no mind, she unslung her instrument from her shoulder. After a few sour and dissonant chords, her slightly fogged mind remembered how to play the unusual contraption, and slowly, a flowing, lilting melody filled the room, piercing the murky din like a fresh breeze. The atmosphere settled into one of quiet, almost reverent, anticipation. She added several extra bars to the tune as she mentally stumbled about her drunken mind, finding all of the shards of the tale and quickly knitting them together as best she could. By now, there were few that hadn't heard this particular yarn, but it had quickly become a favorite - possibly because there were still those trying to pick out the truths from the typical bardic embellishments. The bard allowed herself a grin; she was one of the few people who knew for a fact that the whole thing was true. The last few notes of her prelude still hanging in the air in silent resonation, she began her tale.

Long ago, the gods, working in perfect union, created the world. With power unfathomable, they organized pieces of lifeless matter into plants and animals. The crowning act of their creation was to form a species based upon their own likeness, and with a small taste of their own intelligence and power. This was the dawn of mankind.
Satisfied with their creation, the Gods charged the race of men with the stewardship over their newly-formed realm, and departed to continue with their works. The years passed and turned to eons as men nurtured the seed of godly intelligence within them, tasting the power of creation as they learned to work with metal and stone. Though they were not without their struggles and imperfections, the human spirit continued to endure and to thrive even through hardships. A great empire was formed, and all was well in the land. Great libraries and universities were formed, ushering in a golden age of knowledge. A new field of study, alchemy, blossomed, bringing with it unprecedented possibilities.
The art of alchemy involved manipulating the properties of the natural elements of the earth. Though risky, the process brought forth incredible results, finally culminating in the creation of a new substance: titanium. The alchemical properties of this new material were perfected suited to slip between the cracks in the fabric of space-time. As its creators further experimented, they reached deep enough to discover the Netherealm, a dark dimension located between the planes of reality. Drawing upon the power of the Netherealm, alchemists began to learn how to wield this new energy, turning from scholars to mighty sorcerers and wizards.
With unforeseen power came fear, spreading like a plague through the empire as citizens watched the growing power of the magical force channeled from these demonic reaches. Fear led to contention, and eventually to war. Rifts formed, and the great kingdom of mankind began to split into different factions. As the war raged on, magic continued to play a key role, and its use as a tool of combat was perfected. There were those, however, who having tasted such power, craved more.
The method used at that time to draw energy from the Netherealm had reached its limit. Enough energy was lost during the transfer process that an effective cap was formed. This led to a new and dangerous technique - rather than pulling energy from the Netherealm into the mortal plane, one would pull sections of the realm itself through the channels into the physical world, allowing direct access to the power therein. These experiments, however, had unforeseen results. The evil contained in the world of demons seeped into the human realm, corrupting it and bringing forth monsters and abominations. Saturated in darkness, the world teetered on the brink of destruction.
Sensing such powerful energy from their creation, the gods returned to the world. They were shocked at what had become of their once peaceful planet. After a thorough analysis and a council among themselves, it was decided that race of mankind was beyond salvation. The world would have to be destroyed. With grim acceptance of what had to be done, they turned back to unleash their powers upon the world they had once formed.
The human spirit was not so quick to accept such a fate. Through the use of their newfound powers of magic, mankind had grown their own abilities to those to rival the gods. They didn't sit idly as fire began to rain from the skies - they resisted. A great war took place, changing the shape of the very world as titanic forces collided. Many years passed as the conflict raged. It was a eternal battle of perpetual hopelessness. Mankind could fight back the gods, but they were unable to destroy their immortal creators. In such a harsh, ongoing stalemate, it looked as if the world itself would simply be torn apart before either side won the conflict.
In desperation, mankind searched for a source of salvation. Somewhere within the eternal realms, someone heard their call - the mighty Overgod, creator of even the gods themselves. In His infinite wisdom, He looked upon the war-torn realm, and proposed a solution.The wrathful gods were sealed away, and mankind was preserved, in return for a sacred promise to never again delve into the forbidden powers of magic. The remaining titanium was destroyed, and with it, the dark arts were removed from the planet. The scars of corruption were etched deep into the planet, and would never be able to be fully purged, but despite this, peace returned to the realm. Humanity picked itself up and, under the watchful eye of their Savior, began to put back together the pieces of their lives. Though they vowed never to forget what had taken place, thousands of years passed, and history became legend and eventually myth.
"Only a select few still understand the whole truth, as preserved by the faithful historians of the Church of the Overgod. It is the responsibility of a priest of the Holy One to wisely preserve the balance - William! Brother William! Are you paying attention?"

William's head snapped up from where it had been slowly drifting to the surface of his desk. At the same time, his elbow slipped, sending a rush of parchment to the polished stone floor. His face flushed as, amid a few snickers hastily disguised as coughs, he hurried to reorganize the mess. Father Theris rubbed his temples for a moment, caught between irritation at having his lecture interrupted and pity at the bumbling young novice. He strode across the room, the gold-threaded hem of his white robe trailing along the ground, and crouched down to assist him.
"I-I'm so sorry, Father," stammered William, growing increasingly red as the senior priest assisted him. "I was helping Brother Paul with cleaning the Great Hall last night and -"
The Father's face was stony as he stood, his thin and aged frame still managing to tower several feet about the seated trainees. "Today's instruction...." He paused, looking around him at the young priests, who waited in silence. "...will conclude early today. Go on your way." The embarrassment of the moment was lost in the elation of being released from lecture early as the young students streamed from the chamber into the hallways of the marble chapel. Though they never truly had free time, being released early meant more time studying for the rigorous Trials, the final test before one became a full-fledged priest in the sight of the Overgod.
"A moment, William, if you don't mind," said Father Theris, catching him by the shoulder as he crammed scrolls into his case and turned for the door. William was several years younger than the average scholar at the Chapel of Light. Having been abandoned by his parents at a young age, he had been raised by the priests and clerics. Though he knew the scriptures, mantras, and history more thoroughly than any other priest in training, his naivety and occasional absent-mindedness prevented him from being among the best in the class. Pale at the thought of retribution for his actions, he followed the older priest to the great oaken desk in the corner. "I can't stand for having my class disrupted in such a manner," the Father began.
"It's all my fault-" William began. He was interrupted.
"I'm afraid that a punishment is in order."
William nodded gravely. "I understand, Father. I'll do whatever task you see fit."
Father Theris's face was expressionless. "In that case, I see it fit that you fetch the water for tonight's banquet. We will need at least five buckets. That ought to teach you diligence."
Normally William would have humbly accepted such a fitting punishment. However, he had already been given this same task as part of his assigned daily duties - by the very same person. "But Father, I've already-"
The instructor's face turned to a hint of a frown, though William thought that he caught a hint of a humorous glint in his eye. "Are you speaking back to me, Brother William?"
"No, Father," said William quickly, bowing his head submissively.
"Very good. That will be all." Theris turned away from his pupil, but added as an afterthought, "Oh, one more thing.
"The desks here are designed in such a way to prevent drowsiness. However, I do remember that a group of students several years ago discovered that by resting your elbow in the crevice near the right edge of the desk, a more comfortable position could be achieved without causing one to slip. Yes, the right edge. Crevice."
"But why are you telling me-"
"That will be all. Trouble me no longer, William."
With his thoughts still spinning, William gave a final bow of respect and hurried from the chamber, out into the grounds of the chapel.

It was a good thing that he hadn't been given additional tasks as punishment. With the Trial coming up in just a few short weeks, William had been so busy with his studies recently than many of his chores were starting to slip between the cracks. He was grateful that the evening instructional had ended early; this gave him time to hurry into town and retrieve the message waiting at the postal office. Such a high priority message should have been picked up as soon as it had arrived, but maneuvering through the crowded streets of Newhaven all the way to where the post office was located on the other side of town would have taken more time than he had available. With some luck, this extra time would allow him to retrieve the message and be back before the nighttime prayer session.
William thought that he felt the atmosphere grow noticeably worldlier as he stepped out the massive, gold pattern gates of the Chapel grounds. "It's a good thing that I'll be a priest soon," he thought to himself as he gave a friendly nod to the gatekeeper closing the doors behind him. "The Overgod has so many blessings that He can give to this people, but they have to be willing to accept it. Already, so many are turning away from the truth, not knowing what it is they're rejecting." He pulled his white novice's cloak around himself more tightly, not to block out the cold - for it was a warm, summer's evening - but to provide some thin layer of protection against the evils of the world.

Though the sun was still in the sky, a thin cover of clouds dimmed the contrast of the shadows as William made his way down the central road. The first few shops were starting to close for the evening, their owners carefully locking the doors behind them as they left for their evening drinks. As he passed the city square, however, a bustling from a nearby building broke the lazy atmosphere.
"I told you, I don't know what you're talking about! Get off my property!" A small crowd of onlookers had gathered around the entrance to what appeared to be a small home. An unshaven man stood in the doorway, glaring at the handful of guards who had disturbed his evening. One of the guards, marked by a feather in his steel helmet as the corporal, nodded in understanding, though his expression indicated that his patience was starting to wear thin.
"We understand your hesitation, but rest assured that this is just a pre-caution. We received report of illegal activity from in the premises, and are only seeking to preserve the peace of the city from the Black Arts. If you would please come with us for a brief interview, we will have you back before the evening is through. We appreciate your cooperation - "
"To the Nether with you and your 'investigation!' This is the forth time this season that you've dragged half the city off for your blasted interrogations! I haven't done any sort of magic, though if you keep this up, perhaps I'll have to - at this point, I doubt the Overgod Himself would object to me turning the lot of you to a bunch of slimy toads. Wouldn't make much of a difference, I dare say!"
William shook his head and pressed onward, allowing the commotion to continue behind him. This wasn't the first time he had seen such stirrings, and it he had no doubt that it certainly wouldn't be the last, but there was still no reason to worry. The secrets behind magic had long been lost. Every now and again there would be word that someone had managed to conjure up some small sparks to put a curse on their neighbor's crops, but the majority of these rumors were likely backed with no more truth than the myths spawned by bright-eyed children as they ran through the woods, their imaginations running wild. A small smile tugged at William's face as he recalled entertaining the priests with his own childlike insistence that he was going to one day assume the role of the High Priest, the leader over the entire Church. Such talk from a grown man would be considered blasphemy; the High Priest was chosen by the Overgod Himself, and was not a position over which people competed, despite it being such a great honor. From the mouth of a child, however, such notions were worthy only of a gentle laugh and a shake of the head. Still smiling, he hurried along his way.

The building of the postal service smelled strongly of the horses stabled outside its walls. Neighboring cities had initially scoffed at the High Priest's notion of a public service allowing the exchanging of messages and parcels, but the program had not only quickly flourished, it had soon been adopted in even distant parts of the land as they realized its usefulness both in diplomacy and in personal matters. Only a small portion of the building was accessible to the public; the majority of it was closed off behind the wooden counter, where a number of men were still hurriedly finishing up their sorting tasks so that they could return home for the evening. A single armored guard, looking rather bored, stood nearby, his eyes following a fly that had made its way into the building. He barely spared William a passing glance as he neared the counter.
"Excuse me." One of the men behind the counter looked up at William's call, straightened his dirt-covered clothes, and hustled forward. His eyes quickly took in William's clerical vestments, their white fabric shining from beneath his cloak.
"Ah, good evening, Brother. I apologize for the wait. Are you here to pick up a package, or to send an item?"
"I'm picking up a package for the High Priest." Despite it being such a menial task, William couldn't help but allow a hint of pride to creep into his voice. Even a menial task done in the name of the High Priest was nothing to scoff at. He withdrew the slightly crumpled note bearing the name and seal of the Church, as well as a brief description of the package. The letter not being sealed, William had taken a brief look himself at the description, curious as to what this important item might be, but it disappointingly only gave details of the bland wrapping and the estimated time that it had arrived in the city.
As expected, the small parcel was wrapped in several layers of thick parchment and bound together with twine. It was only about the size of a small book, though undoubtedly much of the bulk came from the crude wrappings. Despite its nondescript appearance, however, William felt an inexplicable sensation of awe as he retrieved the bundle and placed it reverently in his pack. Whatever this was, it was undoubtedly important. He gave a brief word of gratitude to the service worker and hurried out the door, suddenly anxious to give the package to its rightful owner.

The sun had now almost completely set, causing the flickering flames of the streetlights to cast dancing shadows along the walls. The streets were nearly empty, and were silent, save for the chirping of a few scarce crickets hidden away among scattered bales of hay, and the echoes of merriment floating from the occasional tavern. William moved quickly; he didn't run, not wanting to meaninglessly lose his composure, but some unknown sense of urgency caused him to feel the need to walk quickly. It wasn't until he several minutes away from the post office that he realized why this was so.
He was being followed.
Every once in a while, out of the corner of his eye, he would catch a hint of a patch of darkness amid the shadows, though it would always disappear if he turned for a closer look. He initially dismissed it as his eyes still adjusting to the growing darkness of the night, but after four or five such incidents, it was clear that this was no trick of the mind. Breathing deeply and trying to maintain calm, he further picked up his pace towards the Chapel.
As his speed increased, so too did the frequency with which he saw the shadowy figure. He realized that there must be more than one of them. What was more, they were now more focused on keeping up with him than with keeping hidden. No one else was around, anymore; the pubs of the downtown district were long behind him. Only a few high-class homes remained between him and his destination. He could make it. He paused for just a moment, and broke into a run. He could see the lights from the Chapel in the distance. The leather soles of his shoes beat against the cobblestone street as he turned a corner - right into the midst of a waiting group of figures, robed in a deep, dark crimson. Panicked, he turned back, but the following figures had now closed in behind him. He was trapped. His hand closed protectively on the bag containing the precious, unknown delivery. Shutting his eyes, he whispered a prayer to the Overgod as he heard his aggressors close in upon him. There was a sharp pain in the back of his head, and the world disappeared.

Verse 1: ShowHide

Verse I
Allegro non troppo.



William had no idea how long he slid in and out of consciousness. At least once, he found himself almost to the point of being able to force his eyes open, but every time he stirred, an unexplainable wave of fatigue would wash over him, and he would drift off once again. During one of these waking periods, he thought, peculiarly, that he detected the scent of sea-water. The long stupor was finally brought to an end by a dull pain in his back. He exerted all of the force that he could muster from his weary body and felt for the source of the pain. He was lying on a rock. After a failed attempt at removing the obstruction, he groaned, and forced himself to sit up. He appeared to be in some sort of dungeon. The stony walls were carved right into solid stone, but were obviously shaped by human hands. Most obviously unnatural of all were the single thick, iron door, and the flickering light of the torch that could be seen through its small slit of a window.
No shackles bound his hands or feet, leaving him able to move about the chamber freely. This was no surprise; no one would be able to force their way through the thick layers of surrounding rock. The moment he was able to think clearly, William reached for his bag. His parcel was safe within. At least this was some small victory. Before being captured, he had - with faith granted by desperation - said a prayer of protection over the bag and its content, asking that it be safeguarded from the hands of his captors. Apparently, the Overgod had heard his prayer. As long as the holy seal was in place, no one would be able to take his possessions from him. Of course, he thought cynically to himself, a whole lot of good that would do him in the end, stuck here in this prison. No doubt he would eventually starve to death, at which point the power of the seal would fade. It was, in fact, curious that his captors hadn't simply killed him in the first place, once they discovered that the bag was shielded from them. Perhaps they didn't know that the power of the seal would be broken upon death, or perhaps the depth of their sin stopped at burglary, rather than descending into murder. Someone, William doubted it was the latter.

Being completely sealed off from the outside world made it impossible to track the passing of time. William felt his stomach growl loudly. It was likely around lunch time. He wondered what they were thinking back at the Chapel. They most likely thought that he had gotten lost on the way back from the postal office, he thought gloomily. It wouldn't have been the first time such a thing had happened. The sound of metal grating on stone echoed from somewhere outside his chamber. Perhaps it was the guards, making the rounds between the cells. They could even be bringing food. A small spark of hope sprung in the back of William's mind, but it fizzled out quickly. Food was unlikely. It was probably just a routine check.
A second, identical sound caught his attention. There was definitely something going on outside. He forced his aching body to the door. The window slit was near the very top, above eye level, but by stretching himself to the tallest that he could muster, he could see a glimpse of the ceiling outside. It, too, was made of stone. Very faintly, he heard voices rebounding outside the chamber, followed by a third screeching noise. He experimentally tried hopping, giving himself a few extra inches of height. The grating sounded again, this time closer than ever before. This time, it was accompanied by a rhythmic clanking, almost like hurried footsteps.
The next sound he heard made his heart skip a beat. It was the metallic clink of a key being shoved haphazardly into a lock, followed by the turning of rusted tumblers. The source was incredibly close. If it had been even slightly plausible, he might have guessed that it was coming from within the very iron door against which he now pressed himself....

The door flew open. William fell unceremoniously to the stone floor, narrowly avoiding being crushed as the steel slab swung inward. With its movement came the same grating sound, now loud enough to split the ears. A knight stood in the doorframe, wearing hulking metal armor that shone brilliantly in the torchlight, despite displaying signs of very recent battle.
"Get moving." The order was muffled by the thick metal visor through which it was delivered, but its intent was clear. Before William could retort with any questions of his own, the figure had disappeared, rushing to the next door along the cell block. The other voices were back, now. Echoing wildly, their words were unintelligible, but their meaning was as clear as day. This visitor was far from welcome.
Countless steel doors identical to that of William's own cell lined the stony corridor. Aside from the scarce flickering torch bolted to the rocky wall, it was almost as spartan outside the cell as within it. Not that he had time to admire the scenery in the first place; already, a party of red-robed figures had rounded the far corner. By this time, the knight had already opened two more doors and moved on to a third. There were no signs of any other prisoners emerging. If all prisoners were given the same treatment he had seen, thought William, then this was hardly surprising, although the sheer quantity of cells did seem somewhat foreboding. Why have that many if no prisoner was going to survive more than a few days?

Rather than moving forward to the next door, the knight turned undauntedly towards the approaching robed men. William found himself caught in between the two parties - it was a deadly position. Without a moment to spare, he ducked back inside his cell. Though it was not high on his list of places he wanted to be at the moment, it was above being dead. He didn't dare close the door behind him, fearing that it would lock again. Instead, he crept to the corner of the room behind the door. If he could remain inconspicuous until the skirmish had ended, he might be able to sneak out without being seen.
His foot nudged something on the ground as he moved. The parcel! He had nearly forgotten it. With a whispered prayer of thanks, he snatched it up, running his fingers along the seal to ensure that it was still intact. Though he still hadn't the slightest idea what was contained in the thin leather wrappings, it must be incredibly important if it truly was what this red-robed group were after.
The sounds of combat resounded from outside the dark cell. Judging from the tell-tale clash of steel, the robed figures were better armed than their manner of dress suggested. Deep within his stomach, William felt the gnawing sensation of guilt begin to grow. The word 'coward' floated tauntingly in the back of his mind, despite his efforts to force it back down. "Overgod help me," he muttered, pushing the door open and stepping out into the fray.
Blood stains caused the stone walls and floor to shimmer sickeningly. It was impossible to follow all of the movements happening in the flurry of cloth and steel, but two motionless bodies draped in red robes proved that the knight was managing to hold them back so far. William wasn't sure what to do. He was unarmed, though a weapon would hardly have made a significant difference, given his lack of combat experience. He swallowed and tried to recall the words to a blessing of protection. With hope that the Overgod would forgive his stumbled recitation, he stretched out his hand and muttered the final syllable.
The only sign of the holy barrier was a faint shimmering in the air, like water vapor on a sunny day. In the torchlight, it was nearly invisible. This led to unintended consequences - unaware of the barrier's existence, both the knight and the guards slammed into it, and were hurtled pell-mell across the stone floor from their momentum. Unable to handle the force, the barrier dissipated. One by one, the figures pulled themselves back up, as one by one, each pair of eyes turned towards the novice priest standing in the cell doorway. William gulped.

The surge of red rushed forward, each individual figure indistinguishable among the solid mass. A few moments ago, it hadn't seemed like there were this many, but now that they were advancing on him, their numbers seemed significantly larger. William only had seconds to act. Instinctively clutching the parcel closely, he squeezed his eyes shut and whispered a desperate prayer. No specific blessings or recitations came to mind; it was a simple plea for help.
A tiny tingling sensation seemed to run through his body, like an unexplainable shiver on a warm day. From behind his closed eyelids, he saw a flash of brilliant color. A wave of warmth washed over his skin. Baffled, he snapped his eyes open. His enemies lay crumpled on the ground around him. Several of their red robes were still smouldering with what must have been some sort of holy fire. It seemed that the Overgod had answered his prayer in a way that he had never expected. He stood stunned for several more seconds. Finally, movement caught his eye. Amid the carnage, the knight coughed and tried to stand. The shining armor didn't show any signs of having been charred by William's sudden surge of power, but blood was visible seeping through the chainmail between its metal plates. At least one of the red-robed figures must have found their mark.
"Hang on!" called William, rushing forward. "I'm going to try to help you." The knight managed a feeble nod in response. Even given the desperateness of the situation, the gesture seemed somewhat reluctant. Kneeling down, William placed his hand in the center of the ornate breastplate. Its texture was surprisingly smooth and polished, even more so than its gleaming appearance would suggest. "Mighty Overgod above, hear the prayer of your humble servant," he began. The words of the chant came to mind easily, a result of countless hours memorizing his copy of the Novice's Scrolls back at the Chapel. The gentle energies than began to run through his body flowed smoothly, a definite contrast to the raw power than he had felt a few moments ago.
"You're just full of surprises, aren't you, Altar Boy?" The knight lifted a gauntleted hand to the helmet's latch, and pulled it off in a continuation of the same motion. Shimmering golden hair, knocked out of place by the jostling of combat, cascaded down to her shoulders. Red indentations marked where the helmet had been pressing against her face. This contrasted sharply with the icy blue gaze looking up at him. "I thought I might be able to round up some backup by cutting through the dungeons, but I can hardly say that this is what I expected." Her eyes moved from his face to the hand still resting on her chest. William flushed furiously, and yanked his hand away.
"S-sorry," he stammered. "I didn't know.... I mean, um...."
The girl waved his excuses away, using the wall to support herself as she got to her feet. "I guess I owe you some thanks. Don't get used to it, though; he caught me off guard, that was all." As she spoke, she began methodically using a large brass key to open the remaining cell doors. "At least I managed to thin out their numbers a little. It probably won't do much good, though. Just when you think you've gotten them all, more always seem to show up. It's all about cutting off the head." She grimaced as the last door creaked open. "Looks like you're the only one who made it. Lucky break for you." Curiously, William peered around her shoulder into the final cell. His stomach crawled at the sight. A corpse rotted in the dark corner, wrapped in tattered rags and shreds of remaining skin. Given only a another day or two, that could have been him. He shuddered.
The sound of footsteps caught his attention. Behind him, the knight was descending the staircase to the next level of the stony fortress. He hurried to catch up. "The exit's the other way," she said, not stopping nor turning to look at him.
"But won't there be more guards?" Each step was both tall and narrow, making for a dangerous combination in such a dimly lit environment.
"Didn't stop you before."
William shook his head. "That was different. I'm not even sure what happened back there."
She shrugged, a gesture undoubtedly made difficult by the weight of her armor's thick, metal pauldrons. "Not my problem."
"But -" The knight held up a hand, silencing him. They had arrived at the bottom of the staircase.

winkio

Quote from: WhiteRose on July 24, 2013, 01:42:28 pm
"The desks here are designed in such a way to prevent drowsiness. However, a do remember that a group of students several years ago discovered that by resting your elbow in the crevice near the right edge of the desk, a more comfortable position could be achieved without causing one to slip. Yes, the right edge. Crevice."
[/spoiler]


Typo.

Besides that, I like the intro a lot, as well as the transition from the world history to the church.  I finally got around to re-reading all old character and story threads, and I noticed a few details that were changed in the world history, but I don't know if those are deliberate misconceptions/mistranslations/lost knowledge that the church has, or definite changes to the story.  Of course it's fine either way, it just made me wonder.

Also, alchemy could be a cool concept, especially creating titanium, but you just sort of forget about it after you first mention it.  Is alchemy taboo along with magic?  Or just the creation/use of titanium?  You say that titanium can 'slip energy', which I'm not sure is a typo or maybe needs to be replaced by a more clear synonym.

The character of William seems good, he has some strong qualities that are already present, and there are a lot of different directions that he could grow.

Overall good job, and thanks for coming back to this story.  You in turn inspired me to revisit all of the old threads, and it is definitely worth finishing.  I'm looking forward to the rest of it :)

WhiteRose

Quote from: winkio on July 25, 2013, 04:15:26 am
Typo.

Besides that, I like the intro a lot, as well as the transition from the world history to the church.  I finally got around to re-reading all old character and story threads, and I noticed a few details that were changed in the world history, but I don't know if those are deliberate misconceptions/mistranslations/lost knowledge that the church has, or definite changes to the story.  Of course it's fine either way, it just made me wonder.

Also, alchemy could be a cool concept, especially creating titanium, but you just sort of forget about it after you first mention it.  Is alchemy taboo along with magic?  Or just the creation/use of titanium?  You say that titanium can 'slip energy', which I'm not sure is a typo or maybe needs to be replaced by a more clear synonym.

The character of William seems good, he has some strong qualities that are already present, and there are a lot of different directions that he could grow.

Overall good job, and thanks for coming back to this story.  You in turn inspired me to revisit all of the old threads, and it is definitely worth finishing.  I'm looking forward to the rest of it :)


Thanks so much for the feedback - it's really helpful and appreciated. Many of the "changed" details are indeed misconceptions in the Church. This will become a little more clear as William gets out into the world and starts to hear things that are different from what he has been taught. (I tried to keep it as close to the actual truth as possible, while still leaving enough bias to show that the Church doesn't quite have everything exactly right.)

Yes, at this point in time, alchemy is considered "wicked," due to being related to magic, even though they are different things. Even many of the ancient researchers who worked in the field of alchemy left it for magic once titanium was discovered, but don't worry - it will make an important comeback later. (Particularly for a possible game mechanic where the party will be able to form their own titanium.)

AliveDrive

Of course I remember.

...but was that really 2 years ago?

I'm in such a different place in my life now it's nuts.

Anyways, are we reviving this or something?

CP desperately needs a community made game.
Quote from: Blizzard on September 09, 2011, 02:26:33 am
The permanent solution for your problem would be to stop hanging out with stupid people.

WhiteRose

July 27, 2013, 10:20:47 am #4 Last Edit: July 27, 2013, 01:24:30 pm by WhiteRose
Quote from: AliveDrive on July 26, 2013, 09:52:43 pm
Of course I remember.

...but was that really 2 years ago?

I'm in such a different place in my life now it's nuts.

Anyways, are we reviving this or something?

CP desperately needs a community made game.


I've been working mostly on the story, but I'd definitely love to participate in the rest of the project if people would like to start it up again. We already have a good start. :)

EDIT:Made a short update to the main post. Only a few hundred words, but slow and more or less steady wins the race, right?

winkio

Quote"The world is good, but it's steeped with sin. Already, so many people do not believe the truths of the past." He pulled his white novice's cloak around himself more tightly, not to block out the cold - for it was a warm, summer's evening - but to provide some thin layer of protection against the evils of the world.


I find this part confusing.  "The world is good" seems out of place, a direct contradiction to everything that follows.

Blizzard

Maybe "The world seems good at first"
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Quote from: winkioI do not speak to bricks, either as individuals or in wall form.

Quote from: Barney StinsonWhen I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. True story.

AliveDrive

Yes but from his understanding he could believe the world is good.

"This world can be good, but it is steeped in so much sin. That's why I must do whatever I can. Already, so many people do not believe the truths of the past."

How do you feel this line matching William's personality?

I personally think it's fine as is, it's just our prologue after all.
Quote from: Blizzard on September 09, 2011, 02:26:33 am
The permanent solution for your problem would be to stop hanging out with stupid people.

winkio

If you are trying to set William up as the sort of xenophobic who looks down on those outside the church, then you need to do it a bit better, in my opinion.  I think a better way to deliver this is:

Humanity must have done something pretty amazing to deserve the redemption of the Overgod, but to William it seemed like a lost cause.  As he looked out the chapel gates, he saw only a world steeped in sin.  Already, so many do not believe the truths of the past, and bring shame to our struggling race.  He pulled his white novice's cloak around himself more tightly, not to block out the cold - for it was a warm, summer's evening - but to provide some thin layer of protection against the evils of the world.

This sets up his faith in the Overgod as his basis for believing in the good nature of people, but still allows him to have a dark outlook.

WhiteRose

August 01, 2013, 05:17:35 pm #9 Last Edit: August 28, 2013, 01:21:48 am by WhiteRose
Definitely good suggestions. I didn't see it at first, but after reading your suggestions, I can see that that line needs a little ironing out.

What I'm aiming for is to show that William sees the world as a doctor might see an incredibly ill patient. It's not the most pleasant, but salvageable with some effort. He has solid faith in the teachings of the Church and in the Overgod, which teaches that mankind is good, but often misguided. He believes that one is able to see more and more truth as their faith in and obedience to the teachings increases, and desperately wants to share this with the world - both for the sake of helping others, and well as the fact that sharing the teachings is part of the teachings themselves. I'm also hoping to show just the smallest hint of a "holier than thou" attitude with regard to non-believers, as per Winkio's suggestion.

"Spoilers for those who haven't read the summary already": ShowHide

I'm hoping to set the stage for the "crash" when William returns to Newhaven with knowledge of the Cult, he discovers that not everything in the teachings is true and that perhaps salvation for mankind might come from the very thing that nearly destroyed it in the past - magic. But there's going to be a big internal conflict for him, being stuck between the teachings of the Church and his current mindset, and changing to something else. (With a gameplay perspective in mind, it would be interesting to leave both routes as viable options, and have it affect gameplay, both in and out of combat, though it would still follow the same overarching story - perhaps with some differences in the ending.) Here, I am trying to build a framework for his initial mindset.


With this in mind, I think that AliveDrive's suggestion is probably aligned with my thinking than Winkio's (though, of course, that's not your fault, Winkio - I wasn't clear in the original sentence, so they are both equally good from a writing perspective.)

By the way, thanks again for the suggestions. :) I've been writing a little more, and hope to post another update again soon!


UPDATE 8.20.2013: I added more to the story. Sorry for taking so long for this latest update. I'll be quicker in the future. :)

UPDATE 8.26.2013: I've written a little bit more. Also, I realized that I cut off part of my last update, which was why it ended in the middle of a sentence. Hahaha. XD Sorry about that. Also, I apologize if the writing is a little sloppy or if I forget to fix some errors - I'm more just trying to get everything out there first, and then I'll go back and revise it a little more for the sake of clarify, accuracy, and completion.

UPDATE 8.27.2013: Added a few more paragraphs.

winkio

Finally caught up on the new stuff.  The kidnapping part was pretty good, as well as the escape from the dungeon.  Looking forward to the next update and more interactions with the armored character.

WhiteRose

Bumping an old thread here, but I thought I'd let people know that I'm working on the next part of the story, so feel free to read what I have so far so that you're caught up when I post it. :)

winkio

I'm still watching this thread for updates.  One thing I noticed is that you have one decently long prologue.  There are several points you have to choose from where you can end the prologue and start chapter one, or whatever you are going to call each section (I'm partial to 'verse', like verses in a song).

WhiteRose

February 06, 2014, 01:51:39 pm #13 Last Edit: February 07, 2014, 04:00:28 am by WhiteRose
Quote from: winkio on February 06, 2014, 01:23:03 pm
I'm still watching this thread for updates.  One thing I noticed is that you have one decently long prologue.  There are several points you have to choose from where you can end the prologue and start chapter one, or whatever you are going to call each section (I'm partial to 'verse', like verses in a song).


I really like the idea of verse as well! You're right - the section I was going to use as the prologue would be probably the size of three or four chapters, which is way too long. I'll probably cut off the prologue when William is kidnapped and start Verse 1 from there. Thanks for the tip. :)

EDIT: Got around to posting an update. Sorry for the writing being a little bit sloppy.
Spoilers for New Part; Read It From the First Post First If You Don't Want To Get Spoiler-d.: ShowHide
 I wanted to write around Alice's character without spoiling the reveal too much, but I think it ended up reading a little bit awkward. I might need to at least reveal her gender earlier, or just refer to her as a "him." The armor is big and heavy enough that it hides any gender-defining characteristics, and her voice is muffled enough through the full plate helm that it isn't immediately recognizable as female, which is why William (and thus the reader) didn't know. Aside from that, though, I'm pretty happy with how the scene turned out. Setting up a lot of stuff for later while still beginning to introduce the characters and flesh out their personalities a little. Hopefully Alice wasn't too hard on him. :P

I also took your idea, winkio, for the chapters being verses, and put in a chapter break earlier.

What does everyone think? Feedback is always welcome. :)

winkio

February 07, 2014, 10:54:25 am #14 Last Edit: February 07, 2014, 10:55:58 am by winkio
It's getting good, but I see one big plot hole:

Why is Alice ready to leave?  She just freed William (and only William) for no apparent reason and is deep in the enemy lair, and now she wants to leave?  Or perhaps you meant something different by the line "I'm getting out of here," but if you did you should pick something different to say, like "I'm going to keep moving," or "I'm going to make these shady freaks pay," or whatever you have planned.

Besides that, William sure blinks a lot.  Is that his thing?  Blinking his problems away?  It's almost sort of distracting.  You can just say "As his vision cleared", or "he paused" or "he stared blankly."

On working with Alice's character before the reveal, I don't think you should even mention that features are hidden, or that it is hard to see some things.  Instead, work with the features that William can see, which you have started to include in the most recent paragraphs.  Things like shiny hulking armor, height, posture, whether she moves with speed or confidence, etc.  Also, you don't need to refer to her as a 'he', and from earlier writing William doesn't seem that eager to assign gender to people.  Instead, it would fit better to have him guess that she is a warden or a warrior or maybe even a knight when his cell is first opened, and then refer to her as such until the reveal.

Again, these are all just suggestions, and you can definitely feel free to ignore them as you see fit.  

QuoteHe finally managed to regain some small measure of him composure

Also, typo.

WhiteRose

Quote from: winkio on February 07, 2014, 10:54:25 am
It's getting good, but I see one big plot hole:

Why is Alice ready to leave?  She just freed William (and only William) for no apparent reason and is deep in the enemy lair, and now she wants to leave?  Or perhaps you meant something different by the line "I'm getting out of here," but if you did you should pick something different to say, like "I'm going to keep moving," or "I'm going to make these shady freaks pay," or whatever you have planned.

Besides that, William sure blinks a lot.  Is that his thing?  Blinking his problems away?  It's almost sort of distracting.  You can just say "As his vision cleared", or "he paused" or "he stared blankly."

On working with Alice's character before the reveal, I don't think you should even mention that features are hidden, or that it is hard to see some things.  Instead, work with the features that William can see, which you have started to include in the most recent paragraphs.  Things like shiny hulking armor, height, posture, whether she moves with speed or confidence, etc.  Also, you don't need to refer to her as a 'he', and from earlier writing William doesn't seem that eager to assign gender to people.  Instead, it would fit better to have him guess that she is a warden or a warrior or maybe even a knight when his cell is first opened, and then refer to her as such until the reveal.

Again, these are all just suggestions, and you can definitely feel free to ignore them as you see fit.  

QuoteHe finally managed to regain some small measure of him composure

Also, typo.


I can see what you mean with the holes in Alice's motivation. I'll fix that. As for the blinking, it was supposed to be a little overdone to the point of being humorous, but it was poorly executed. I'll have to go back and fix a lot of things in this section. Thanks for the constructive criticism; it really helps.

locowhiteknight

Nice job so far! :)

This plot has a very familiar jrpg air about, which is awesome. I really like your take on the "multi world" fantasy world. This other world seems a lot darker than in most of plots I know of that have a magic world. William seems to be very likeable protagonist and I'm interested to see how Alice fits into the picture. For the little bit available to read so far I don't have very many useful critiques to offer.

I found a couple typos you might want to fix for the next person that reads it but nothing major.

"...hang on" said William "Ive a priest I can help you."

"... to the ntether wth and you..."

There were two other ones I came across but I can't find them right now. :(

I didn't really care for having titanium be the ult8mate tool for unlocking the world of magic. The inclusion of alchemy was really interesting though. I think it would be cool to have them extract a rare element from like a meteroite using alchemy or perhaps have them make some kind of difficult alloy using alchemy.

I also wanted to comment on the introduction of Alice. I didn't know she was a female character until she was referred to as it several times waiting for the correct identifying pronoun to be determined. If you want to keep the surprise of the reveal I would take Winkio's suggestion of referring to her as knight or warrior until you're ready for the surprise.

Sorry for the typos on this post I'm using my phone. I like the story far. Those were just a couple of suggestions, please feel free to ignore them. Good luck with the story.
"Let's get down to brass tacks. How much for the ape?"

WhiteRose

February 07, 2014, 09:24:23 pm #17 Last Edit: February 07, 2014, 09:43:47 pm by WhiteRose
Quote from: locowhiteknight on February 07, 2014, 09:11:59 pm



Thanks for the feedback! I didn't notice those typos, so I'll get those fixed up right away. I do definitely need to fix the section with Alice; that's probably the biggest glaring error in there right now.

"Titanium" in the story is a little different than real world titanium. (Perhaps using titanium as the name is a little bit confusing, as it shares a name with an existing element in the real world.) It's a special element that doesn't occur naturally. We never worked out specifically where it originates, but its definitely linked to alchemy somehow. I'm not sure yet if alchemy was used to reach the Netherealm first, and that titanium was retrieved from there, or if alchemy was used to create the titanium and then it was used to reach the Netherealm. It's a bit of a chicken and egg issue. Haha. I'll figure out a good way to explain it in the story. Input is always welcome if you want to share ideas. :)

EDIT: I went back and fixed the typos and a few other things; I'll work on a bit more major revisions next in order to get this part ironed out before I leave it too far behind. As for the "world is good" line, I decided to just rework it completely, working in the same concept but in a way that makes a little more sense.

Quote
"The Overgod has so many blessings that He can give to this people, but they have to be willing to accept it. Already, so many are turning away from the truth, not knowing what it is they're rejecting." He pulled his white novice's cloak around himself more tightly, not to block out the cold - for it was a warm, summer's evening - but to provide some thin layer of protection against the evils of the world.


Does that look better?

EDIT 2: I dug up my original draft of this scene from a long time ago; it's also pretty rough.
Spoiler: ShowHide
Quote
Blinking, he was able to make out the silhouette of a figure wearing a suit of heavy armor standing in the doorway of the room, which he now could see was a small, prison cell-like chamber. Judging by the rough texture of the stone upon which he was sitting, it had probably been directly carved into a natural system of caverns. The figure mumbled something and turned to leave. "W-wait!" stammered William, getting clumsily to his feet. The figure turned back to him as if to respond, but before he could say anything, a shout echoed from the hallway outside.
"I found the prisoner! Over here, quickly!" His mysterious savior reached for his sword, but before he could draw it, he was overwhelmed by a number of armed cultists. William, trying to act quickly despite his pounding head and sleepy mind, quickly said a prayer of protection. For just a few seconds, the blows of the cultists were deflected from the armored figure, giving him enough time to draw his own weapon and counter attack. There followed a brief struggle; though the figure apparently knew his way with a sword, he didn't appear to be by any means a master of the weapon. Despite this, with William backing him up, he was able to defeat his aggressors. After delivering one last kick to finish off one of the cultists who had been struck to the ground, he turned back towards the cell, and pulled off his helmet. With a jolt, William realized that he was, in fact, a she. He hadn't noticed before, due the armor covering her face and body. Though under better circumstances she might have been attractive, at the moment, she just looked worn out yet aggressive, like a lioness after being stuck in a hunter's trap for a day or two. Her long, blonde hair was plastered to her head, and the dark circles under her bright blue eyes stood out sharply against her pale skin.
"Maybe you're not as useless as you look," she said, looking him over, unsmiling. Turning to leave, she added, "Well? Are you coming or not?"

   Awkwardly, William hurried after her down the hallway. As he had thought, it wasn't a building so much as a natural system of caverns that had been adapted into a living area for a large amount of people. "Um, thank you for helping me," he said to his rescuer after a long period of silence.
"Mm," she replied in acknowledgement.
"I'm William, by the way. I don't think you ever mentioned your name... ?" William inquired, figuring it was about time for a proper introduction. She stopped and turned around.
"You're going to give away our position. Be quiet," she said, irritated.
"Oh, sorry."

   "Alice," she said abruptly after they had gone a while further.
"Huh?"
"My name is Alice. You asked, remember?" Not stopping to look at him, they progressed further through the network of tunnels.

I like to think that my writing has improved since then, but given the current dismal state of this last section, I might actually be able to get a few useful ideas from the old revision. What I'm thinking of doing is changing the scene slightly so that Alice ducks into the cell as a hiding place, not knowing that William is in there at all. (This would explain why she chose this cell over any of the others - pure, dumb luck.) I'll also change her dialog to make it sound like she wants to go deeper into the cave rather than back towards the entrance. Even when I first wrote the scene, her intention in the base is to try to find the leader of the cult and kill him for revenge. I'm not sure what I was thinking when I had her say the "getting out of here" line. I was probably a little too caught up in coming up with a witty reply to William.

Anyway, I'll hammer this part out a little and hopefully it will turn out okay.

winkio

February 08, 2014, 12:31:34 am #18 Last Edit: February 08, 2014, 12:34:37 am by winkio
Wait, how does she get into the cell?  Wouldn't it be locked?  I guess Alice could have already nabbed the keys from a guard in an earlier battle.

But that brings up the question of why she is hiding?  She seems to be on a mission of vengeance.  Perhaps she would wait around a corner to ambush them, but she is definitely out for blood.  Maybe she is hiding so as not to raise any alarms before she can get to the leader, although it seems unlikely in a huge metal suit of armor.  But if that is the case, then she should be pretty angry and complain about the noise after the fight where William joins her.

Personally, I like the idea of beserker Alice going around kicking down doors and slaughtering any cultists she comes across.  She may have taken a few wounds by the time she gets to William, but she is still going strong.  She kicks down the door to his cell, and is surprised to find an altar boy.  Luckily, the commotion of Alice kicking down other doors could have woken William up in time to avoid being squashed by the huge metal door.  Without skipping a beat, Alice moves on to the next door and raises her leg to kick it down, but suddenly the door bursts open, slamming into her while she is off balance and knocking her to the ground.  William runs out of his cell just in time to help fight, or maybe just to heal wounds after Alice wins the battle on her own.  You can fill in the rest of the details.

Finally, you have to consider if the two of them will free other prisoners after the battle.  Maybe the prisoners will act as a distraction to the cultists, or maybe they somehow convince Alice that it's more important to protect their lives than trying to seek revenge for her father.  Perhaps one of them has a daughter of their own, and was jailed in a cell next to her father, and tells Alice that her father always talked about getting out and finding Alice and taking her away to safety.  Of course, you can always say that there are no other prisoners, or you can send some guards chasing after Alice and William forcing them to leave the other prisoners behind.

I know it seems like I am over-analyzing the scenario, but it helps to consider these sorts of details and possibilities in order to keep consistent and interesting characters.

WhiteRose

February 08, 2014, 12:39:52 am #19 Last Edit: February 08, 2014, 12:42:46 am by WhiteRose
Quote from: winkio on February 08, 2014, 12:31:34 am
Wait, how does she get into the cell?  Wouldn't it be locked?  I guess Alice could have already nabbed the keys from a guard in an earlier battle.

But that brings up the question of why she is hiding?  She seems to be on a mission of vengeance.  Perhaps she would wait around a corner to ambush them, but she is definitely out for blood.  Maybe she is hiding so as not to raise any alarms before she can get to the leader, although it seems unlikely in a huge metal suit of armor.  But if that is the case, then she should be pretty angry and complain about the noise after the fight where William joins her.

Personally, I like the idea of beserker Alice going around kicking down doors and slaughtering any cultists she comes across.  She may have taken a few wounds by the time she gets to William, but she is still going strong.  She kicks down the door to his cell, and is surprised to find an altar boy.  Luckily, the commotion of Alice kicking down other doors could have woken William up in time to avoid being squashed by the huge metal door.  Without skipping a beat, Alice moves on to the next door and raises her leg to kick it down, but suddenly the door bursts open, slamming into her while she is off balance and knocking her to the ground.  William runs out of his cell just in time to help fight, or maybe just to heal wounds after Alice wins the battle on her own.  You can fill in the rest of the details.

Finally, you have to consider if the two of them will free other prisoners after the battle.  Maybe the prisoners will act as a distraction to the cultists, or maybe they somehow convince Alice that it's more important to protect their lives than trying to seek revenge for her father.  Perhaps one of them has a daughter of their own, and was jailed in a cell next to her father, and tells Alice that her father always talked about getting out and finding Alice and taking her away to safety.  Of course, you can always say that there are no other prisoners, or you can send some guards chasing after Alice and William forcing them to leave the other prisoners behind.

I know it seems like I am over-analyzing the scenario, but it helps to consider these sorts of details and possibilities in order to keep consistent and interesting characters.


winkio, your ideas are gold. Originally, I wasn't going to have any other prisoners, since they're really only after the package that William was retrieving. However, being an evil cult, it would make sense for them to have captured a few more people for all sorts of malicious purposes. Besides, what's the point of having a whole dungeon if you're not going to fill it? Haha. I love your thoughts. Sometimes I get a little bit caught up in making everything tie into the big picture that I miss some of the other small yet important details. I'll definitely incorporate those into the rewrite. Be sure to post if anything else comes to mind.

WhiteRose

February 28, 2014, 04:10:31 am #20 Last Edit: March 02, 2014, 04:24:48 am by WhiteRose
*Legally doubleposts*

How is this looking? I incorporated a lot of winkio's ideas in this revision, and though it's not quite caught up to where I left off yet, I think it's looking a lot better as far as having fewer glaring errors.

Spoiler: ShowHide

Being completely sealed off from the outside world made it impossible to track the passing of time. William felt his stomach growl loudly. It was likely around lunch time. He wondered what they were thinking back at the Chapel. They most likely thought that he had gotten lost on the way back from the postal office, he thought gloomily. It wouldn't have been the first time such a thing had happened. The sound of metal grating on stone echoed from somewhere outside his chamber. Perhaps it was the guards, making the rounds between the cells. They could even be bringing food. A small spark of hope sprung in the back of William's mind, but it fizzled out quickly. Food was unlikely. It was probably just a routine check.
A second, identical sound caught his attention. There was definitely something going on outside. He forced his aching body to the door. The window slit was near the very top, above eye level, but by stretching himself to the tallest that he could muster, he could see a glimpse of the ceiling outside. It, too, was made of stone. Very faintly, he heard voices rebounding outside the chamber, followed by a third screeching noise. He experimentally tried hopping, giving himself a few extra inches of height. The grating sounded again, this time closer than ever before. This time, it was accompanied by a rhythmic clanking, almost like hurried footsteps.
The next sound he heard made his heart skip a beat. It was the metallic clink of a key being shoved haphazardly into a lock, followed by the turning of rusted tumblers. The source was incredibly close. If it had been even slightly plausible, he might have guessed that it was coming from within the very iron door against which he now pressed himself....

The door flew open. William fell unceremoniously to the stone floor, narrowly avoiding being crushed as the steel slab swung inward. With its movement came the same grating sound, now loud enough to split the ears. A knight stood in the doorframe, wearing hulking metal armor the shone brilliantly in the torchlight, despite displaying signs of very recent battle.
"Get moving." The order was muffled by the thick metal visor through which it was delivered, but its intent was clear. Before William could retort with any questions of his own, the figure had disappeared, rushing to the next door along the cell block. The other voices were back, now. Echoing wildly, their words were unintelligible, but their meaning was as clear as day. This visitor was far from welcome.
Countless steel doors identical to that of William's own cell lined the stony corridor. Aside from the scarce flickering torch bolted to the rocky wall, it was almost as spartan outside the cell as within it. Not that he had time to admire the scenery in the first place; already, a party of red-robed figures had rounded the far corner. By this time, the knight had already opened two more doors and moved on to a third. There were no signs of any other prisoners emerging. If all prisoners were given the same treatment he had seen, thought William, then this was hardly surprising, although the sheer quantity of cells did seem somewhat foreboding. Why have that many if no prisoner was going to survive more than a few days?

Rather than moving forward to the next door, the knight turned undauntedly towards the approaching robed men. William found himself caught in between the two parties - it was a deadly position. Without a moment to spare, he ducked back inside his cell. Though it was not high on his list of places he wanted to be at the moment, it was above being dead. He didn't dare close the door behind him, fearing that it would lock again. Instead, he crept to the corner of the room behind the door. If he could remain inconspicuous until the skirmish had ended, he might be able to sneak out without being seen.
His foot nudged something on the ground as he moved. The parcel! He had nearly forgotten it. With a whispered prayer of thanks, he snatched it up, running his fingers along the seal to insure that it was still intact. Though he still hadn't the slightest idea what was contained in the thin leather wrappings, it must be incredibly important if it truly was what this red-robed group were after.
The sounds of combat resounded from outside the dark cell. Judging from the tell-tale clash of steel, the robed figures were better armed than their manner of dress suggested. Deep within his stomach, William felt the gnawing sensation of guilt begin to grow. The word 'coward' floated tauntingly in the back of his mind, despite his efforts to force it back down. "Overgod help me," he muttered, pushing the door open and stepping out into the fray.
Blood stains caused the stone walls and floor to shimmer sickeningly. It was impossible to follow all of the movements happening in the flurry of cloth and steel, but two motionless bodies draped in red robes proved that the knight was managing to hold them back so far. William wasn't sure what to do. He was unarmed, though it would hardly have made a significant difference, given his lack of combat experience.
Long ago, the Church had sent battle-clerics to war, each with a sword in one hand and a book of prayers in the other. It had been decades since anyone had received that sort of training. William swallowed and tried to recall the words to a blessing of protection. With hope that the Overgod would forgive his stumbled recitation, he stretched out his hand muttered the final syllable.
The only sign of the holy barrier was a faint shimmering in the air, like water vapor on a sunny day. In the torchlight, it was nearly invisible. This led to unintended consequences - unaware of the barrier's existence, both the knight and the guards slammed into it, and were hurtled pell-mell across the stone floor from their momentum. Unable to handle the force, the barrier dissipated. One by one, the figures pulled themselves back up, as one by one, each pair of eyes turned towards the novice priest standing in the cell doorway. William gulped.


EDIT: I added a few more paragraphs.

winkio

I like the new ideas.

The one detail that seems a bit out of place is the mention of battle-clerics.  Since when did the church send fighters to war?  Since when was the church involved in war at all?  Also, William does absolutely nothing with this thought, from what you have written.  In my opinion, you should either add another sentence or two around that, or just remove it, perhaps saving it for later on in the story.

TYPOS!

I'm pretty sure you use 'insure' when it should be 'ensure' near the beginning of the 3rd section.
Also near the end, you are missing an 'and' between 'hand' and 'muttered'.

WhiteRose

Quote from: winkio on March 03, 2014, 01:57:49 am
I like the new ideas.

The one detail that seems a bit out of place is the mention of battle-clerics.  Since when did the church send fighters to war?  Since when was the church involved in war at all?  Also, William does absolutely nothing with this thought, from what you have written.  In my opinion, you should either add another sentence or two around that, or just remove it, perhaps saving it for later on in the story.

TYPOS!

I'm pretty sure you use 'insure' when it should be 'ensure' near the beginning of the 3rd section.
Also near the end, you are missing an 'and' between 'hand' and 'muttered'.

Good call with the battle clerics. Now that I think about it, I actually got my history messed up - I was thinking that the battle clerics were from the original war with the Titans, but the Overgod hadn't made an appearance yet, so the Church wouldn't have been organized. Definitely just a mistake on my part. I'll just cut that out.

And I'll go back and fix the typos. :P

Thanks again for the feedback. It really helps.

I've finished writing the next few paragraphs as well. It doesn't stop in a very good breaking point, but it's late enough that I'll hold off writing the next part for now.
Spoiler: ShowHide
The surge of red rushed forward, each individual figure indistinguishable among the solid mass. A few moments ago, it hadn't seemed like there were this many, but now that they were advancing on him, their numbers seemed significantly larger. William only had seconds to act. Instinctively clutching the parcel closely, he squeezed his eyes shut and whispered a desperate prayer. No specific blessings or recitations came to mind; it was a simple plea for help.
A tiny tingling sensation seemed to run through his body, like an unexplainable shiver on a warm day. From behind his closed eyelids, he saw a flash of brilliant color. A wave of warmth washed over his skin. Baffled, he snapped his eyes open. His enemies lay crumpled on the ground around him. Several of their red robes were still smouldering with what must have been some sort of holy fire. It seemed that the Overgod had answered his prayer in a way that he had never expected. He stood stunned for several more seconds. Finally, movement caught his eye. Amid the carnage, the knight coughed and tried to stand. The shining armor didn't show any signs of having been charred by William's sudden surge of power, but blood was visible seeping through the chainmail between its metal plates. At least one of the red-robed figures must have found their mark.
"Hang on!" called William, rushing forward. "I'm going to try to help you." The knight managed a feeble nod in response. Even given the desperateness of the situation, the gesture seemed somewhat reluctant. Kneeling down, William placed his hand in the center of the ornate breastplate. Its texture was surprisingly smooth and polished, even more so than its gleaming appearance would suggest. "Mighty Overgod above, hear the prayer of your humble servant," he began. The words of the chant came to mind easily, a result of countless hours memorizing his copy of the Novice's Scrolls back at the Chapel. The gentle energies than began to run through his body flowed smoothly, a definite contrast to the raw power than he had felt a few moments ago.
"You're just full of surprises, aren't you, Altar Boy?" The knight lifted a gauntleted hand to the helmet's latch, and pulled it off in a continuation of the same motion. Shimmering golden hair, knocked out of place by the jostling of combat, cascaded down to her shoulders. Red indentations marked where the helmet had been pressing against her face. This contrasted sharply with the icy blue gaze looking up at him. "I thought I might be able to round up some backup by cutting through the dungeons, but I can hardly say that this is what I expected." Her eyes moved from his face to the hand still resting on her chest. William flushed furiously, and yanked his hand away.
"S-sorry," he stammered. "I didn't know.... I mean, um...."
The girl waved his excuses away, using the wall to support herself as she got to her feet. "I guess I owe you some thanks. Don't get used to it, though; he caught me off guard, that was all." As she spoke, she began methodically using a large brass key to open the remaining cell doors. "At least I managed to thin out their numbers a little. It probably won't do much good, though. Just when you think you've gotten them all, more always seem to show up. It's all about cutting off the head." She grimaced as the last door creaked open. "Looks like you're the only one who made it. Lucky break for you." Curiously, William peered around her shoulder into the final cell. His stomach crawled at the sight. A corpse rotted in the dark corner, wrapped in tattered rags and shreds of remaining skin. Given only a another day or two, that could have been him. He shuddered.
The sound of footsteps caught his attention. Behind him, the knight was descending the staircase to the next level of the stony fortress. He hurried to catch up. "The exit's the other way," she said, not stopping nor turning to look at him.
"But won't there be more guards?" Each step was both tall and narrow, making for a dangerous combination in such a dimly lit environment.
"Didn't stop you before."
William shook his head. "That was different. I'm not even sure what happened back there."
She shrugged, a gesture undoubtedly made difficult by the weight of her armor's thick, metal pauldrons. "Not my problem."
"But -" The knight held up a hand, silencing him. They had arrived at the bottom of the staircase.


I think that I did a lot better writing around Alice's gender without it sounding awkward or out of place. I also applied several of your suggestions with regard to her motives, and changed up the dialogue a little bit. Also, we're finally caught back up again, so now we can move forward into things that people aren't reading for the third time. Hooray! XD

winkio

Yes, this is much better.  Everything flows nicely, including the conversation, and there are no glaring plotholes :D  This is getting good, and I'm looking forward to the new content!

locowhiteknight

March 05, 2014, 07:35:31 pm #24 Last Edit: March 05, 2014, 07:37:05 pm by locowhiteknight
Nice job! I like the way you handled Alice's big reveal. I also wanted to say that over all I enjoy reading your writing style ;

I found one small typo maybe two.

"now loud enough to split the ears. A knight stood in the doorframe, wearing hulking metal armor the shone brilliantly in"

Good luck with the project!
"Let's get down to brass tacks. How much for the ape?"

WhiteRose

Quote from: locowhiteknight on March 05, 2014, 07:35:31 pm
Nice job! I like the way you handled Alice's big reveal. I also wanted to say that over all I enjoy reading your writing style ;

I found one small typo maybe two.

"now loud enough to split the ears. A knight stood in the doorframe, wearing hulking metal armor the shone brilliantly in"

Good luck with the project!


Thanks for the feedback, and for pointing out that typo! I've fixed it.

I also updated the first post with the latest version of the story, so it's now up to date with everything written so far. I'm going to try and get the next part up as soon as possible.