Goodbye

[winkio]

Hey everyone, this is goodbye.  I was originally only planning to give Blizz an idea of what was going on so he didn't think I was coming back, but he didn't quite realize what I was saying.

I am about to attempt suicide.  Even if I don't succeed, I am planning on leaving my current life behind, and I will likely never have internet access.

You may be wondering about the events that have led up to this decision.  There were none, my life has been completely normal and happy.  I have arrived at this point through original thoughts and ideas.  Reality as most humans know it is completely meaningless and random.  I was able to envision what was happening on a global and universal scale, and it made me unsatisfied with the current state of the world.  It's that simple.

I will not be sticking around to read replies or answer any questions.

[WhiteRose]

Don't do it. Please.  I'm in the car now; I'll write a proper response as soon as I can.

[Blizzard]

Read your GTalk, dammit!

EDIT: God dammit! I have no way to get hold of Ryan! All I have is his GTalk and email and he isn't responding. Anybody who can, please do something!

[Spaceman McConaughey]

Dude.

Please don't.

If you were to just kill yourself, you'd cause a lot of emotional harm to those who hold you dear.
I know. To some, that doesn't really matter; you'd be dead, after all. Not like you'd be around to see the aftermath, right?
Well, shit, I certainly hope you're not of that mindset.

Again, please. Please don't, winkio, a lot of us here - and elsewhere - really care about your wellbeing.

[Blizzard]

Ok, here's an update on the entire situation.

I tried reaching winkio over GTalk since he was logged in, but he didn't respond. His brother got to his apartment and probably saw my message so he added me on GTalk. I told him everything I knew.

winkio contacted me yesterday about leaving CP. Here is the transcript.

winkio: Boris, just giving you a heads up, but I probably won't be around CP much longer
actually this isn't the sort of thing to skype about, I'll send an email
Blizzard: hey man
really?
you mean forever or probably just for a time?
winkio: well
likely forever
Blizzard:
well, I guess you have your reasons
I'll be waiting for your mail then
you might also want to post at CP
winkio: I'll send in a sec
Blizzard: since you're the second admin after all
I replied
winkio: yes I saw
Blizzard: well, last thing I can say is: don't forget to say bye before you leave for good
winkio: well, I doubt I will be able to
which is the whole reason I sent you that email
Blizzard: alright, np
the important thing is that you gave me a heads up
winkio: well, you are taking this better than I thought
Blizzard: I've learned to handle things like this better
during the past years
I've everything else than happy to see you go, but you seem to have your mind already set
I'd rather support you on your way
winkio: Oh, hm
Blizzard: than maybe trying to convince you to do something that you don't want
winkio: Just as well

Here is that mail he sent me:

Hey, so just so that I don't pull a ForeverZer0 on you, I wanted to let you know that I probably won't be around CP much longer.

A week ago, I started figuring out some of the underlying dynamics of the human race, life itself, and the universe. This line of thinking has given me an entirely new perspective on life, but has thrown me into severe depression and turned me into a completely different person. Basically, I have what are considered to be textbook definition mental health problems, and I already have an idea of the possible trajectories that my life can follow.

I'm not going to make a post on CP because I don't really want to have a discussion about this. I'd rather just interact with them normally while I can.

And my reply.

I understand.

If you remember half a year ago when I was fucked that one night, I basically have problems as well (like every person living on this planet). But I've been working on them and they are fixable. So I wish you the best of luck in getting things handled! If you ever need a pointer or something, I know my way around some self-help and self-improvement literature and materials and can probably give you a kick-start. And if you just wanna talk, that's fine, too. I've probably been through some stuff that you are going through right now.

His brother also said that he left his phone and other belongings at his apartment so there's no way to contact him. That's all we know. I asked his brother to keep in touch.

[WhiteRose]

Please let us know if you receive any word from his brother. I hope this turns out okay.

[KK20]

...holy fuck...

I'm kinda shaking trying to type this. How could this have gone so far out of proportions? Why?
Dammit, please still be alive.

[Ranquil]

winkio. If you ever read this...

Just so you know, I came to the same conclusion about life and existence about a year ago. Life is random and pointless, there's no denying it.
But why should that matter?
Just because life doesn't have a meaning doesn't mean it has to be thrown away. I, for example, like living life even though my life isn't perfect. In my opinion it just feels a lot cooler than, you know, spending all eternity in black void doing, experiencing, feeling or being nothing.
You may not feel the same as I do but I highly recommend you to try life a bit longer. At least a year.

[Zexion]

I don't know what to say winkio :s I think that you've felt this way for a while now, though, because I remember you snapping a few times in skype for what seemed like very little to no reason. It seemed like something was bugging you and that it had to do with the level of intelligence of the people who surround you. I could be speaking out of my ass here, but that is just what I get from small conversations sometimes.
It can seem like the world around you has different values and goals and none of them seem progressive or meaningful to you. That is normal, and is life. Life isn't meant to be easy, nor is it meant to be hard, but it IS meant to be lived winkio. You deserve to live no matter what you think or feel. Even if you don't want to at the time, it will always get better. I hope that the attempt was unsuccessful and that you are able to recover and learn from this. You may never be able to change the entire world no matter how hard you try, but you can at least have an impact.

[Ryex]

Dam it Ryan. I KNEW something big was going on last night when you were dodging all my questions. I didn't suspect this though and you were so confident that you knew what to do I just figured you wanted to deal with it on your own.

Look, I've been there. that may seen like a hollow statement but I mean it literally. I'v contemplated the futility of live in this universe for the exact same reasons you express.  the majority of people are stupid and selfish, there are so many problems with our society it staggering, we face our doom at the hand of our own race. I know exactly what it means to truly understand these things. I'v thought about just ending it for the same reasons.

do you want to know why I didn't? why I almost immediately said no and dismissed it as an option? because then I wouldn't get to live, I wouldn't get to have friends, live with family, reunite with my old friend Riley and go to water world together, I wouldn't get to stretch my brain solving problems of logic and feel the elation when I find a solution. I wouldn't get to stare into the cosmos feeling my insignificance only to laugh in the face of the universe and say "ha! I'm going to MAKE myself significant!", I wouldn't get to share my life with others and make people feel important by helping them.

We're all going to die winkio, every last one of us. and when we do life will move on. and for the most part we will be forgotten in the long run. But I'll be dammed if I'm going to let that fact stop me from living to my full potential and beyond.

You face the Existentialist delima Ryan, defy reality and live, it's the absurd choice, but it's the only one thats any fun.

[Blizzard]

Guys! winkio's brother just contacted me! winkio is ok!

[Zexion]

I hope he comes back to say something

[Ryex]

thank you, thank you. Blizz, please ask his brother to let winkio know he has our support.

[Blizzard]

I just did. I'm sure he'll be back very soon so we can talk this out.

[KK20]

Sigh of relief

Hope to hear more soon.

[WhiteRose]

Guys! winkio's brother just contacted me! winkio is ok!

Best news of the week. I'm so relieved.

[winkio]

Okay.  I haven't read any responses yet, but I will soon.  Got through the day with no physical harm, but still have a lot of stuff to work out.  But I'm definitely not in danger of trying again, so no need to worry about that.  Just letting you guys know that I am okay and not completely broken.

[WhiteRose]

Okay.  I haven't read any responses yet, but I will soon.  Got through the day with no physical harm, but still have a lot of stuff to work out.  But I'm definitely not in danger of trying again, so no need to worry about that.  Just letting you guys know that I am okay and not completely broken.

*hugs*

[KK20]

*bro hugs*

[MarkHest]

*big hugs*

[Taboo]

Okay.  I haven't read any responses yet, but I will soon.  Got through the day with no physical harm, but still have a lot of stuff to work out.  But I'm definitely not in danger of trying again, so no need to worry about that.  Just letting you guys know that I am okay and not completely broken.

*bear hugs*

I'm glad you're alright, dude.

[Ryex]

PILE ON THE HUGS!*HUGS*

[Ranquil]

I'm not gonna pretend I know you, but...

Oh well. *epic hugz*

[AliveDrive]

I'd just like to reach out and extend my support.

If you or anyone else needs to talk, I am here for you.

[Zexion]

 
*le hugs*

[chaucer]

Hello friend, I may not know you but I'm glad you didnt do it, I've been down that path myself and it's no good. I may not have knowledge of scripting or game making but life, plenty of experience with that. Anytime you need to talk man let me know, sometimes it's all we need. My prayers with you brother take care (Apolagies for a late response just got on).

[Blizzard]

*gay hugs* no homo

I'm just glad you're alright, man.

EDIT: You have a lengthy message from me on GTalk trying to reach out, BTW. This is how your brother got my gmail and contacted me.

Also, there's something funny that I realized yesterday. In LL2 I named the two main characters Jason and Ryan who are also brothers. What a coincidence, lol!

[PhoenixFire]

*adds even more hugs*

A few people have already said it, but if you ever need to talk, rant, explode, etc., I've been in very similar situations before, and I would be more than capable of being there to listen and talk if you ever needed it. Same goes for anyone else.

[winkio]

*hugs back* Thanks for all the support.

Just a warning, you might not like how this next part starts, but keep reading to the end.

I want everyone here to know that I did not forget about them.  I knew that I could talk to any of you about this and get support.  In fact, I saw my entire social network, and all the interactions and reactions that could, and did occur.  However, as I said, it was all meaningless to me, so I made plans around that network and that would avoid each support system.

I knew that what I was doing was an attempt.  There was still some amount of uncertainty to the whole thing that I recognized, and this also entered into my plans.  I ended up holding a knife to my chest pointed directly at my heart for a solid 3-4 minutes.  During this time I was not thinking or feeling anything.  It was just my rock steady hands, my heartbeat, and a clear mind waiting for a decision - either jerk the knife in, or set it down.  When I finally made the decision, I knew that I had chose to live, and that I would never go back on that.

However, like clockwork, I immediately entered the second phase of the plan - leaving my current life behind.  The reasoning here was that if I could not end my existence, I could shrink it to something trivial.  Even with this I knew there was some uncertainty, so although I did not take my phone with me, I did take my keys.  I left my apartment and took off walking towards the edge of town.  Houston is a big town, besides which I did not have a map, but nine miles and three hours later, my legs are starting to get tired, I'm getting cold from the wind, and I have this moment where I realize that living like this is going to suck, and I am not going to willingly leave the better life I had.

At this point I have come very close to making two bad decisions, I decide that I am going to go back.  Back to my apartment, back to friends and family, etc.
 


So while I never thought about any of you while I was holding the knife, I did before, and I did after, and without even hearing or reading a single word of encouragement, I chose you.  What brought me back were not your messages, but the actual relationships that exist between us.

[Ryex]

sounds like you reached the same decisions I did, if perhaps with a bit more drama.

I can't hold any of it against you, because it's a question you have to ask at some point for there to be any honesty in how you live. I'm glad your still here man.

[winkio]

Well, I think it's not quite the same.  A lot of people have mentioned existential crises to me, and seem to think that is what this is.  While I have had those before on numerous, this experience was entirely different.  I actually saw what I believe to be the meaning of life.  I can still see it.  And the implications of that idea are that everything we experience is meaningless.  I don't have a perfect analogy, but it's sort of like how the experiences of a single ant are meaningless.  Yes, the ant may forage for food and work together with other ants to support the colony, but to a human, the colony would look exactly the same with or without that single ant.  This is the major thing that I still have to work through.

[locowhiteknight]

Hey Winkio,

I'm glad to hear that you're okay and safe. I'm new around here so you probably don't me know me, but just from being around the site I've heard a lot of good things about you.  I just want you to know that you matter, and if anything, the world needs more people like you, not less.

[WhiteRose]

I'm so glad that you're back. Don't feel pressure to explain any more than you feel you want to share; I'm just happy you're here again.

[Blizzard]

I've actually some to the same conclusion several months ago. I also think that there is no greater meaning to life as such. The purpose of life itself is to survive and reproduce. But this still doesn't mean the fact that you can't enjoy it and do what you want. If there is no greater meaning to life, it means that you can give it any meaning you want. It means that you are free to do what you want. Rather than looking and things and saying "it's all random and pointless" and give up, consider the possibilities this opens. It means that everything is possible! It may have no meaning on a grand scale, but who cares about the grand scale? We are way too tiny compared to the universe to make a difference. But we can make a difference for ourselves and those close to us.

[Ryex]

here here! ^^

[RoseSkye]

Wink, you bastard... I come back to this place to read this? I tried suicide a few times so I know what can lead people to that road, but you're a likable and charismatic guy... I'm glad you choose life over death, because if you killed yourself I would have killed you.

Also hugs are kinda gay... so come here so I can suck your dick.