*hugs back* Thanks for all the support.
Just a warning, you might not like how this next part starts, but keep reading to the end.
I want everyone here to know that I did not forget about them. I knew that I could talk to any of you about this and get support. In fact, I saw my entire social network, and all the interactions and reactions that could, and did occur. However, as I said, it was all meaningless to me, so I made plans around that network and that would avoid each support system.
I knew that what I was doing was an attempt. There was still some amount of uncertainty to the whole thing that I recognized, and this also entered into my plans. I ended up holding a knife to my chest pointed directly at my heart for a solid 3-4 minutes. During this time I was not thinking or feeling anything. It was just my rock steady hands, my heartbeat, and a clear mind waiting for a decision - either jerk the knife in, or set it down. When I finally made the decision, I knew that I had chose to live, and that I would never go back on that.
However, like clockwork, I immediately entered the second phase of the plan - leaving my current life behind. The reasoning here was that if I could not end my existence, I could shrink it to something trivial. Even with this I knew there was some uncertainty, so although I did not take my phone with me, I did take my keys. I left my apartment and took off walking towards the edge of town. Houston is a big town, besides which I did not have a map, but nine miles and three hours later, my legs are starting to get tired, I'm getting cold from the wind, and I have this moment where I realize that living like this is going to suck, and I am not going to willingly leave the better life I had.
At this point I have come very close to making two bad decisions, I decide that I am going to go back. Back to my apartment, back to friends and family, etc.
So while I never thought about any of you while I was holding the knife, I did before, and I did after, and without even hearing or reading a single word of encouragement, I chose you. What brought me back were not your messages, but the actual relationships that exist between us.