Cool poem I wrote.

Started by Ryex, October 24, 2009, 01:00:21 am

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Ryex

QuoteWhilst I pondered weak and weary, upon a night most dreary - or something like, the poem goes - I came upon a needle stack, and could not find the hay.

I wrote that in about two minuets, less.

it is trying to describe the feeling you get when your really tired and still trying to concentrate on some thing. ie it's 1 in the morning and your still trying to read your history text book and nodding off every sentence and rereading each sentence three times.
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RoseSkye


fugibo

That's not a poem, that's a joke. No, literally, that's something you tell people as a joke when you want them to laugh.

...you might wanna lay off the poem writing at 1:00 AM.

Ryex

October 24, 2009, 02:34:35 pm #3 Last Edit: October 24, 2009, 03:56:42 pm by Ryexander
I didn't right his at 1am I worte it a 2pm.  :O.o:

and btw Longfellow it IS a poem and I'd like to see to prove otherwise. >:(
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winkio


fugibo

lol @ winkio.

Also, since your question demands an actual definition:
Quote from: Oxford Dictionary
poem |ˈpōəm; ˈpōim; pōm|
noun
a piece of writing that partakes of the nature of both speech and song that is nearly always rhythmical, usually metaphorical, and often exhibits such formal elements as meter, rhyme, and stanzaic structure.


Your "poem" has none of those qualities. However, it can still be a joke or epigram, if you want.

Blizzard

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Quote from: Barney StinsonWhen I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. True story.

Ryex

Quote
noun
a piece of writing that partakes of the nature of both speech and song that is nearly always rhythmical, usually metaphorical, and often exhibits such formal elements as meter, rhyme, and stanzaic structure.

in case you don't know there is a category of poems called "free verse" and this falls into it.
and who cares if its cliche? that just adds to it's intend meaning. it did it PURPOSEFULLY.
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fugibo

Quote from: Ryexander on October 24, 2009, 04:00:30 pm
Quote
noun
a piece of writing that partakes of the nature of both speech and song that is nearly always rhythmical, usually metaphorical, and often exhibits such formal elements as meter, rhyme, and stanzaic structure.

in case you don't know there is a category of poems called "free verse" and this falls into it.
and who cares if its cliche? that just adds to it's intend meaning. it did it PURPOSEFULLY.


"Water water everywhere, nor any drop to... Wait, I could just go get some beer."

See, that even rhymes and it's still not a poem.

winkio

@Ryex:
So then your intended meaning is that you are unoriginal?  Or perhaps that you think that poetry is unoriginal?  Because you aren't doing anything with the cliches.

You have to do something with them for them to add meaning, not just throw them in.  Because right now, all I see is a line of cliches.

Ryex

fine fine art is relative, and beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I should never have posted this. I can't believe Rose was the one who gave the most consider it reply.... from now on I'll keep my view of poetry and art to myself.
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winkio

I'm trying to figure out your view, which you still have not coherently posted yet.  There is no way you can expect everyone to think about it the same way.  And you are right, you shouldn't have posted it if you weren't prepared to discuss it.

Ryex

hmm lets see if I can explain the poem...

first comes the line

Quote
Whilst I pondered weak and weary, upon a night most dreary


this is meant to be read literally
the speaker is week and tired and is trying to think.
note that the line is NOT the real line it is merely close. this is because the speaker is tired and can't THINK of the real line.
the speaker is however aware that this is not the exact line, thus the interjection,

Quote
- or something like, the poem goes -


or it could also be said "or something like that"

now this next part is a METAPHOR for the sensation for the feeling the speaker has "whilst he is pondering week and weary"

Quote
I came upon a needle stack, and could not find the hay.


notice that is is backwards from the real saying "find a needle in a hay stack"
this is because, yet again, the speaker is "pondering weak and weary"
the "came upon a needle stack" could be considered a metaphor in a metaphor as the sensation the speaker is describing is "numb" and "prickly", the and if that don't make sense to you I'm sorry but that is the best words I can think to describe it with out another metaphor.

"and I could not find the hay"
the speaker failed, they tried to concentrate or "ponder" but could not think strait long enough to "find the hay" or the thought / goal / objective of his or her thought.

also the saying "find a needle in a hay stack" is use to describe a difficult task, here too, even though it is backward, it is use to describe the difficult task of thinking while tired.

and even if you dan't argee with all that above you still can't say it ISN'T a poem. when

this

Quote from:  Ode to a baby by Ogden NashA bit of talcum, is always walcum


is publish in a poetry book written by Ogden Nash as a poem.
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fugibo

Hey, hey, I like it and all, I even said it's an epigram, which is compliment. It's just not a poem. I see your meaning and all and like it, but it's not a poem.

winkio

Lf is the one that insists on defining poetry, not me.  I think it's a poem if you say it is.

Okay my points:

Whilst - a common word from classic poetry around the Shakespearean era.  It would work if you were trying to emulate or work off of that relation, but you aren't, as shown by the modern wording of the next two lines.

1st line: Besides the whilst, could be a good first line.

2nd line: complete change in subject.  This brings up a new thought while referencing the old one, thus we expect the next one to continue the interrupted first thought.

3rd line:  Needle in haystack has been done before.  Switching around the words doesn't make it un-cliche.

As a whole:  It is hard work to write a good short poem.  I think you underestimated it.  You have three lines that contain little to no meaning, and do not even flow well together.  I read the first line, I get the message that you are engaged in deep thought and you are tired.  Then I read the second line, and it tells me that the first line isn't really important at all.  Then I read the third line and all I can think is "so what?"

You write an interesting first line, dismiss it with your second, and end with a bland cliche.  The only difference between your poem and saying the words "I was tired and it was hard to concentrate" is that the poem doesn't clearly convey the same meaning.

The poem should add something to the experience, focus on a certain feeling, or something.  And it should flow.  You interrupt your main thought with the second line, but then you don't do anything with it.  You don't say why it matters, you don't say why you interrupted it, you don't give the reader anything with the second line.  The third line is it's own little thing.  It is not related by any means to the other two lines, except by the syntax of the poem.

I realize I'm repeating myself with these explanations of my thoughts, so moving on to improvements:
  connect the lines together (make the whole poem be about the same thing)
  get rid of the cliches, unless you know how to use them effectively
  either make the second line important to the subject or take it out

I think it could be improved upon substantially just by addressing those

Ryex

Quote from: Ryexander on October 24, 2009, 04:34:49 pm
fine fine art is relative, and beauty is in the eye of the beholder. from now on I'll keep my view of poetry and art to myself.

because were never going to agree on this.  :P
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fugibo

Quote from: Ryexander on October 24, 2009, 06:13:50 pm
Quote from: Ryexander on October 24, 2009, 04:34:49 pm
fine fine art is relative, and beauty is in the eye of the beholder. from now on I'll keep my view of poetry and art to myself.

because were never going to agree on this.  :P


Fine with me if you use different definitions, but I still reserve the right to be pedant.

RoseSkye

October 24, 2009, 08:44:00 pm #17 Last Edit: October 24, 2009, 08:48:06 pm by RoseSkye
Quote from: Ryexander on October 24, 2009, 01:00:21 am
QuoteWhilst I pondered weak and weary, upon a night most dreary - or something like, the poem goes - I came upon a needle stack, and could not find the hay.

I wrote that in about two minuets, less.

it is trying to describe the feeling you get when your really tired and still trying to concentrate on some thing. ie it's 1 in the morning and your still trying to read your history text book and nodding off every sentence and rereading each sentence three times.


Ah, thats it!  I can't believe I didn't remember that poem sooner. It's a poem by my favorite poet E.A.P.




The Raven by Edgar Allen Poe
Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary

Spoiler: ShowHide

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of someone gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
" 'Tis some visitor," I muttered, "tapping at my chamber door;
Only this, and nothing more."

Ah, distinctly I remember, it was in the bleak December,
And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.
Eagerly I wished the morrow; vainly I had sought to borrow
From my books surcease of sorrow, sorrow for the lost Lenore,.
For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore,
Nameless here forevermore.

And the silken sad uncertain rustling of each purple curtain
Thrilled me---filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;
So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating,
" 'Tis some visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door,
Some late visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door.
This it is, and nothing more."

Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
"Sir," said I, "or madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
But the fact is, I was napping, and so gently you came rapping,
And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door,
That I scarce was sure I heard you." Here I opened wide the door;---
Darkness there, and nothing more.

Deep into the darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortals ever dared to dream before;
But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token,
And the only word there spoken was the whispered word,
Lenore?, This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word,
"Lenore!" Merely this, and nothing more.

Back into the chamber turning, all my soul within me burning,
Soon again I heard a tapping, something louder than before,
"Surely," said I, "surely, that is something at my window lattice.
Let me see, then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore.
Let my heart be still a moment, and this mystery explore.
" 'Tis the wind, and nothing more."

Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter,
In there stepped a stately raven, of the saintly days of yore.
Not the least obeisance made he; not a minute stopped or stayed he;
But with mien of lord or lady, perched above my chamber door.
Perched upon a bust of Pallas, just above my chamber door,
Perched, and sat, and nothing more.

Then this ebony bird beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance it wore,
"Though thy crest be shorn and shaven thou," I said, "art sure no craven,
Ghastly, grim, and ancient raven, wandering from the nightly shore.
Tell me what the lordly name is on the Night's Plutonian shore."
Quoth the raven, "Nevermore."

Much I marvelled this ungainly fowl to hear discourse so plainly,
Though its answer little meaning, little relevancy bore;
For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being
Ever yet was blessed with seeing bird above his chamber door,
Bird or beast upon the sculptured bust above his chamber door,
With such name as "Nevermore."

But the raven, sitting lonely on that placid bust, spoke only
That one word, as if his soul in that one word he did outpour.
Nothing further then he uttered; not a feather then he fluttered;
Till I scarcely more than muttered, "Other friends have flown before;
On the morrow he will leave me, as my hopes have flown before."
Then the bird said, "Nevermore."

Startled at the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken,
"Doubtless," said I, "what it utters is its only stock and store,
Caught from some unhappy master, whom unmerciful disaster
Followed fast and followed faster, till his songs one burden bore,---
Till the dirges of his hope that melancholy burden bore
Of "Never---nevermore."

But the raven still beguiling all my sad soul into smiling,
Straight I wheeled a cushioned seat in front of bird, and bust and door;
Then, upon the velvet sinking, I betook myself to linking
Fancy unto fancy, thinking what this ominous bird of yore --
What this grim, ungainly, ghastly, gaunt and ominous bird of yore
                                      Meant in croaking "Nevermore."

Thus I sat engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressing
To the fowl, whose fiery eyes now burned into my bosom's core;
This and more I sat divining, with my head at ease reclining
On the cushion's velvet lining that the lamplight gloated o'er,
But whose velvet violet lining with the lamplight gloating o'er
She shall press, ah, nevermore!

Then, methought, the air grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censer
Swung by seraphim whose footfalls tinkled on the tufted floor.
"Wretch," I cried, "thy God hath lent thee -- by these angels he hath
Sent thee respite---respite and nepenthe from thy memories of Lenore!
Quaff, O quaff this kind nepenthe, and forget this lost Lenore!"
Quoth the raven, "Nevermore!"

"Prophet!" said I, "thing of evil!--prophet still, if bird or devil!
Whether tempter sent, or whether tempest tossed thee here ashore,
Desolate, yet all undaunted, on this desert land enchanted--
On this home by horror haunted--tell me truly, I implore:
Is there--is there balm in Gilead?--tell me--tell me I implore!"
Quoth the raven, "Nevermore."

"Prophet!" said I, "thing of evil--prophet still, if bird or devil!
By that heaven that bends above us--by that God we both adore--
Tell this soul with sorrow laden, if, within the distant Aidenn,
It shall clasp a sainted maiden, whom the angels name Lenore---
Clasp a rare and radiant maiden, whom the angels name Lenore?
Quoth the raven, "Nevermore."

"Be that word our sign of parting, bird or fiend!" I shrieked, upstarting--
"Get thee back into the tempest and the Night's Plutonian shore!
Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken!
Leave my loneliness unbroken! -- quit the bust above my door!
Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!"
Quoth the raven, "Nevermore."

And the raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door;
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming.
And the lamplight o'er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;
And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor
Shall be lifted---nevermore!

winkio

Right, another reference that is just thrown in without being substantiated.

RoseSkye

October 24, 2009, 08:48:50 pm #19 Last Edit: October 24, 2009, 08:50:04 pm by RoseSkye
Quote from: winkio on October 24, 2009, 08:47:28 pm
Right, another reference that is just thrown in without being substantiated.



You best be trolling. You better not say that you don't recognize one of the beginning lines to a poet as great as Edgar fucking Allen Poe.

Nevermore, winkio.. nevermore.

winkio

I'm saying that he included a reference to Poe without developing it.  It's like it's thrown in just for the sake of being thrown in.

fugibo


Blizzard

I read E.A.P.'s stuff on Croatian so I didn't recognize it. :/
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Quote from: Barney StinsonWhen I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. True story.

fugibo

Quote from: Blizzard on October 24, 2009, 08:59:07 pm
I read E.A.P.'s stuff on Croatian so I didn't recognize it. :/


Protip: in English, the expression is "in <a language>," not "on <a language>."

I swear I'm not trying to be condescending here, I'm just tired and can't be sure I don't smug right now 'cuz I'm too lazy to properly form my English.

Ryex

Quote from: RoseSkye on October 24, 2009, 08:48:50 pm
Quote from: winkio on October 24, 2009, 08:47:28 pm
Right, another reference that is just thrown in without being substantiated.



You best be trolling. You better not say that you don't recognize one of the beginning lines to a poet as great as Edgar fucking Allen Poe.

Nevermore, winkio.. nevermore.


I'm related to Edgar Allen Poe... through about four bloodlines. but still close enough to be a relative.
I no longer keep up with posts in the forum very well. If you have a question or comment, about my work, or in general I welcome PM's. if you make a post in one of my threads and I don't reply with in a day or two feel free to PM me and point it out to me.<br /><br />DropBox, the best free file syncing service there is.<br />

fugibo

Quote from: Ryexander on October 24, 2009, 09:29:49 pm
Quote from: RoseSkye on October 24, 2009, 08:48:50 pm
Quote from: winkio on October 24, 2009, 08:47:28 pm
Right, another reference that is just thrown in without being substantiated.



You best be trolling. You better not say that you don't recognize one of the beginning lines to a poet as great as Edgar fucking Allen Poe.

Nevermore, winkio.. nevermore.


I'm related to Edgar Allen Poe... through about four bloodlines. but still close enough to be a relative.


I'm related to some old drunkard lady. I find that to be cooler, IMO. Just sayin'.

Subsonic_Noise

October 24, 2009, 09:48:04 pm #26 Last Edit: October 24, 2009, 09:50:32 pm by Subsonic_Noise
Quote from: Longfellow on October 24, 2009, 09:42:30 pm
Quote from: Ryexander on October 24, 2009, 09:29:49 pm
Quote from: RoseSkye on October 24, 2009, 08:48:50 pm
Quote from: winkio on October 24, 2009, 08:47:28 pm
Right, another reference that is just thrown in without being substantiated.



You best be trolling. You better not say that you don't recognize one of the beginning lines to a poet as great as Edgar fucking Allen Poe.

Nevermore, winkio.. nevermore.


I'm related to Edgar Allen Poe... through about four bloodlines. but still close enough to be a relative.


I'm related to some old drunkard lady. I find that to be cooler, IMO. Just sayin'.


I'm related to some french people who have been banned from france. Just sayin'.

Ryex

lol how quickly this turned to spam.
I no longer keep up with posts in the forum very well. If you have a question or comment, about my work, or in general I welcome PM's. if you make a post in one of my threads and I don't reply with in a day or two feel free to PM me and point it out to me.<br /><br />DropBox, the best free file syncing service there is.<br />

RoseSkye

October 24, 2009, 10:49:10 pm #28 Last Edit: October 24, 2009, 10:52:34 pm by RoseSkye
Quote from: Ryexander on October 24, 2009, 09:29:49 pm
Quote from: RoseSkye on October 24, 2009, 08:48:50 pm
Quote from: winkio on October 24, 2009, 08:47:28 pm
Right, another reference that is just thrown in without being substantiated.



You best be trolling. You better not say that you don't recognize one of the beginning lines to a poet as great as Edgar fucking Allen Poe.

Nevermore, winkio.. nevermore.


I'm related to Edgar Allen Poe... through about four bloodlines. but still close enough to be a relative.


E.A.P. was totally a pedophile.

The second part made no sense to me.. I get where you were going. You inverted "Finding a needle in a haystack" However.. it was still.. .. eh ..

Blizzard

October 25, 2009, 05:11:50 am #29 Last Edit: October 25, 2009, 05:13:21 am by Blizzard
Quote from: Longfellow on October 24, 2009, 09:11:20 pm
Quote from: Blizzard on October 24, 2009, 08:59:07 pm
I read E.A.P.'s stuff on Croatian so I didn't recognize it. :/


Protip: in English, the expression is "in <a language>," not "on <a language>."


Well, excuse me, Mr. Broadass, that I hit O instead of I on my keyboard and didn't notice it.
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Quote from: winkioI do not speak to bricks, either as individuals or in wall form.

Quote from: Barney StinsonWhen I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. True story.

fugibo

Quote from: Blizzard on October 25, 2009, 05:11:50 am
Quote from: Longfellow on October 24, 2009, 09:11:20 pm
Quote from: Blizzard on October 24, 2009, 08:59:07 pm
I read E.A.P.'s stuff on Croatian so I didn't recognize it. :/


Protip: in English, the expression is "in <a language>," not "on <a language>."


Well, excuse me, Mr. Broadass, that I hit O instead of I on my keyboard and didn't notice it.


:( I even added an edit to my post saying that I wasn't trying to be like that. I was just trying to help you with your English when I say you make a minor mistake, that's all.

Blizzard

October 25, 2009, 09:24:43 am #31 Last Edit: October 25, 2009, 09:30:24 am by Blizzard
I don't correct you on every single minor mistake you make either (sadly I don't have those 16 hours daily to spend on correcting you :V:). Just because you say you're not trying to be a smug, doesn't mean you aren't. It's like saying "You are a horrible person." and then adding "But don't worry, I'm not insulting you.".
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Quote from: winkioI do not speak to bricks, either as individuals or in wall form.

Quote from: Barney StinsonWhen I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. True story.