[Personals] Need to talk to someone..

[tSwitch]

Ok, as a pretense, things I'm going to explain something about myself here that I have told maybe two people on RMRK who I trusted, but right now I really need people to talk to and I feel like I can trust people here to be understandable, maybe sympathize, and be mature about things.  So  please, don't prove me wrong, I'm not posting this to cause drama, or get a spotlight shown on me, or to try and be a special snowflake, and if I could explain things without it, I would, since I don't like telling more than is necessary to get a point across, but I can't.  So please, just be mature here, I'm not going to cause a shitstorm and I know I'll get mocked outside this thread by someone (maybe not on this site, but on others..) but I'm not really even going to take it outside the thread (kinda like how I never even mention how I'm a furry ever and still get made fun of occasionally in some places -_-).  Also this isn't a BAWW be nice to me thread.  If I'm mocked I'll probably just laugh and bear it, but just know it's somewhat of a big issue with me and it'd really bite hard if people are insensitive about it, especially with how I feel right now.

OK
now that the disclaimer is out of the way...

For those who don't know, I was in FL all of last week during my break between the Associates Ending (got my degree \o/) and Bachelor's starting (this week).
I've come to certain realizations after this last trip to Florida, and am feeling like total shit right now over a few things that I really just need to talk to somebody about, so I came here to Bean Bags.

First off, self-expression.
Let's get the big point out of the way right at the start of it all.  I'm TG.  Like Amber/Tommy, I feel the same way.  Not "dresses up in skirts in public and wishes he could just chop it off with a kitchen cleaver" TG, but more like a quiet TG who wears panties sometimes and has a folder full of images that they wish they could be type of TG.  I realize I'd never pass if I dressed up so don't try to, and also don't feel like forcing my self-image on other people.  Have been since ages ago, met Amber on a chat somewhat about it, was going to say something a long time ago, but then the Dertt shitstorm happened and I got too apprehensive to even try.  So yeah, big thing there.

The issue is I feel like...well outside of the company of Amber and my friend Erin I can't ever be myself.  I have to pretend at home to be this tough big brother figure to my little brothers, and basically appear like I have for years.  I can't act how I feel because it'd cause questions, it was bad enough to tell them I liked guys, they'd probably have heart attacks if I told them I was TG (parents), so I keep up the appearance of the first born son and try as hard as I can to smile and go on with my life, with it feeling more and more artificial as I go along.  Sure I can dress up in my room, I do sometimes but it feels like I'm more quietly ashamed of who I am rather than...well being who I am.  I feel like I'm totally smothered by this idea of who I'm supposed to be, which is totally who I am not, and I don't know what to do.  I can't pass so going to a bar or a club or something and pretending to be a girl around people I don't know won't work, if I even knew of any I could go to.  I have all of one friend who understands how I feel and is cool with it IRL, but again there's nowhere I could go and be comfortably me.  I don't know how to handle it at all, it just is getting harder and harder to grin and continue the facade of myself that I have been for ages and I guess I need a bit of an outlet.  I've been trying art but that really only helps so much.  A bit of a weird question, but do any of you have any sort of..I dunno..idea about self-expression that might help?  I realize probably just about nobody here is in the same boat but I guess maybe I'm hoping that someone might be able to point me in the right direction.

Second Point
My life feels completely and totally fake.
I feel like I'm living an illusion here in Mass.  School, home, laugh and go along with it, small town etc...  It all feels like a never-ending dream.  If I could put a song to it, it'd be "Every Day is Exactly the Same" by NIN because that's how it feels.  I feel like I'm living this television re-run of a life I don't even live.  I don't know if it's my separation anxiety, but everything felt so much more vivid, and I felt actually alive for the week I was in FL, only to feel totally fake and dead here.  Take it as you will, I really can't explain this one, it just feels terrible.

Third Point
My family.
I realized this the day before I came back, but I really really REALLY hate my family life a lot more than I knew before.  I literally was crying not because I had to leave, but because the place I was returning to is full of people who yell all day long, don't get along, and is pretty much as dysfunctional as it gets while still maintaining somewhat of a family feeling.  Dad yells about tiny little things like dishes, JT and Nick yell over who has to take the dog out, Ben is autistic so he is loud but just because that's how he is, that's the only thing I really don't mind.  Ben is Ben, but everyone else seems to just be constantly agitated all the time about something.  It literally feels like a war zone sometimes, and when everything explodes I can't even talk because if I say -anything- I am a dead wrong 20 year old kid who doesn't understand how things work and maybe when you are my age you'll get a clue and think back to this and say "damn I guess my dad was right".  I really don't know how to deal with it.  It's just an oppressive atmosphere and I am now wondering how I was ever happy living here in my life.

That's all I can really type right now, I'm going to draw, and will probably be in IRC most of the night.  Please, if you don't have something nice or constructive to say, just don't post, I don't need negativity right now of all times and I just need some people I can talk to.

[(Hexamin)]

Hmmm... I read your entire situation, and although I can't relation with all the aspects of your situation, I do sympathize for you and can relate to at least one thing.  I turned 18 and moved away from my parents immediately.  It's taken 3... almost 4 years and a deployment to Iraq to finally get on my feet, but... I'm completely financially independent from them now, have gone through some shit that has made them realize I'm no longer a kid and they can no longer fix everything that goes wrong in my life, and I've been able to break away from the family and begin learning and being who I really am... on my own.  If I have any advice to you, its this.  You're 20 now, maybe you should start thinking about saving money to move out and away from your family.  Family will always be there for us, but... for a lot of people, a distance is needed.  I know I can only spend about a week in direct contact with my family before all the control and some fakeness on my part gets to me.  It really makes a huge difference when you're on your own and you get away from all the expectations you've been faced with all your life and learn that the only expectation you have to live with is the one you have of yourself.

Just some food for though, either way, hang in there bud.

[tSwitch]

I'd love to move, and be on my own, but I don't even have a job right now to save money, and I can't work full time due to being in school, so living at home right now is my only real option

[Spaceman McConaughey]

Hi, NAMK. I feel for you, things are rough as well here at my house.

And about that furry thing: I can only tell it to my friends, and nobody that's adult(In real life) that I am a furry. It's driving me nuts. :/

NAMK, I just wish the best for you, okay? I'm sorry I didn't have any advice at the moment, nothing popped up yet.

[winkio]

Maybe it would help if you got to know / talked to other TG people?  Sort of like a support group?  I don't have any idea how you would go about finding one...

Your family seems like it has enough crazy shit to deal with, I can see why you don't want to tell them.  I'd say once you are completely independent though, you need to sit down and have a chat.

I guess a recurring theme here is that telling people the truth is liberating, and makes you feel more true to yourself.  That's why you posted here.  So find some other people to talk to as well, people closer to you IRL, such as counselors, friends, etc.

In the end, you are going to have to find some balance that you are happy with between a private self expression and a public self repression.

Hope you get things slightly better sorted out 


@Branden: wtf do furries have to do with anything?

[Spaceman McConaughey]

Ok, as a pretense, things I'm going to explain something about myself here that I have told maybe two people on RMRK who I trusted, but right now I really need people to talk to and I feel like I can trust people here to be understandable, maybe sympathize, and be mature about things.  So  please, don't prove me wrong, I'm not posting this to cause drama, or get a spotlight shown on me, or to try and be a special snowflake, and if I could explain things without it, I would, since I don't like telling more than is necessary to get a point across, but I can't.  So please, just be mature here, I'm not going to cause a shitstorm and I know I'll get mocked outside this thread by someone (maybe not on this site, but on others..) but I'm not really even going to take it outside the thread (kinda like how I never even mention how I'm a furry ever and still get made fun of occasionally in some places -_-).  Also this isn't a BAWW be nice to me thread.  If I'm mocked I'll probably just laugh and bear it, but just know it's somewhat of a big issue with me and it'd really bite hard if people are insensitive about it, especially with how I feel right now.

That.  

[tSwitch]

Maybe it would help if you got to know / talked to other TG people?  Sort of like a support group?  I don't have any idea how you would go about finding one...

Your family seems like it has enough crazy shit to deal with, I can see why you don't want to tell them.  I'd say once you are completely independent though, you need to sit down and have a chat.

I guess a recurring theme here is that telling people the truth is liberating, and makes you feel more true to yourself.  That's why you posted here.  So find some other people to talk to as well, people closer to you IRL, such as counselors, friends, etc.

In the end, you are going to have to find some balance that you are happy with between a private self expression and a public self repression.

Hope you get things slightly better sorted out 


@Branden: wtf do furries have to do with anything?

I did try an online group once, but they were so biased and such that I couldn't take it.
(I had said I felt pan and bisexual were the same and they went crazy)

kinda have a bad taste in my mouth about the whole thing.

[(Hexamin)]

Well, I can't tell you to take my advice, but, be careful of falling into the misconception that college must be completed directly after highschool.  For some people it helps to just get out of the house, try some things on their own, and then once they're on their feet, do the college bit.  Havin' a full-time job sucks, but being independent is definitely worth it.

[King Munkey]

My family life has a lot of arguing and fighting amongst each other as well. I tend to keep a lot of things to myself and try to keep a certain personality around my family. Being a shy, quiet, geek who sits in his room all day and doesn't talk to anyone. But the thing is I am loud and outgoing but if I act that way around my family they find some reason to be mad at me. But my girlfriend lives 7 hours away from me in Maryland and I tend to go and visit her as often as I can while being a full time student and just a few hours away from being a full time worker. Every time I go out to visit her and her family I get to be myself, so I understand what you mean about how you felt alive in FL. Last week was my schools spring break and I spent about 10 days with her. I currently have been saving money for the past few months. Little by little and I plan to enroll in a different college sometime in the next year in Maryland and move out there to be with my girlfriend. A lot of the time I can't even get work done when I am at home because my family will start arguing about something stupid.

As for what Hex just said. I am trying to do the college thing and get out of the house. It might be a little slower of a process for me. But I believe that everything should go well as long as I continue to save up money and keep up with my school.

[tSwitch]

I have a year of college left, there's no reason for me to quit now just to leave my house.

[Blizzard]

Guys, NAMK knows the solution for his current situation (which is moving away), but right now he can't do that. He's asking for ways to survive the following year and a half until college is over.

Have you thought about sports? I don't mean stuff like basketball, but stuff like billiard or dart. Or maybe chess. Time will pass much quicker and if you organize your day well, you'll be less at home as well. (I forgot to suggest that on MSN.)

[tSwitch]

that's one of the reason I play a lot of online games like WoW or Killing Floor or L4D2, so that I have something to do and can put on headphones and ignore this -_-

I love playing Pool though, maybe I'll see about going to the local Billiards place regularly or something.  Maybe I'll wait half a year until I'm 21 because they have a bar and I could get some Mike's Lemonade or something :p

[(Hexamin)]

Oh, my apologies, I didn't understand the situation entirely then.  Well... I'm stuck in Iraq right now, so I'm all about passing time.

a) TV series
b) Smoking Hookah every night, you can get a cheap hookah for like 30 bucks, tobacco is pretty cheap and coals are even cheaper... it allows me (and maybe you) to just relax and take a break from ALL the bullshit you have to put up with
c) Working out alone
d) RMXP, but... I'm sure you already do that
e) Sleep, probably my favorite.  I've passed many a days sleeping.
f) Sadly there is no f for me, but... I dunno, I just don't look at the date, and keep on just waiting for tomorrow, until the day that instead of waiting for tomorrow I can be excited about tomorrow.

oh yeah, just read your recent post, and alcohol is a DEVIL, but a damn tasty one at that.  where do ya live?  maybe I'll swing by and grab a brewski with ya when I get back, haha ^_^

[Blizzard]

Alcohol: All I can say is, I love a good Vodka. xD

I guess the best way to handle your current situation is to get away as much as possible so you don't have to pretend to be someone you aren't.

[(Hexamin)]

We need to all get together one night, get drunk off our asses and create an awesome drunken game........

That'd be so cool... 

[Subsonic_Noise]

I read through the whole thing and I really do feel for you, I think I even can understand some parts of the problem, as the situation at my home isn't really good either (I pretty much have no other choice than being in my room the whole day, can't even go out most of the time since I don't get keys) and I also can't be myself in front of most people...

A thing that at least helped me through this is music, and by that I mean listening to, writing, and making music. I literally spend my whole day playing one of my instruments and it helps me to forget about those things. I think you already tried this (at least I heard some music written by you), though I don't know if that helped you, but have you tried to play an instrument or even playing in a band? This helped my the best. .. and I'd concider it a much better solution than alcohol.

I also just noticed that my english sucks when it comes to serious topics... meh...

[tSwitch]

ok I don't want to give the wrong impression, I'm not looking to drink myself drunk as a solution to problems.
For those who don't know Mikes is maybe 4.5% alcohol and is more fruit and water than anything else, and I have no immediate plans to drink myself vomiting when I turn 21 in September.

[(Hexamin)]

Wiser than I...

but its still so fun!

Well, I do wish you the best of luck, really just keep your chin up, get through this next year, everything'll be gravy

[Ryex]

well dam... I wish i could say that I can relate but I not completely sure about MY situation in that area so... lets see. how to survive...

well I think the answer have be suggested already. you need to some how preoccupy yourself form your current situation. but you also need to keep some balance with your life as completely withdrawing from the world isn't an option (and never should be for that matter). I not sure if you have the option but adrenalin "sports" or anything that causes an adrenaline rush can be a great distraction, skiing/snowboarding mountain biking ect. might be an option if your not in Florida all year round.

the best distraction I know of is friends, hanging around them and not focusing on anything but what you doing at the moment can a) distract you and b) lead to a great time.

I'm not sure how much I've helped or If I've helped but I do wish you the best of luck in your future. the culture of our world is changing and in a way has become much more accepting, I only hope it continues down this path.

my best piece of advise which has been repeated in various forms by other above me is this:
try to find the smaller areas in which you can be your self and live without regret, even if you can't completely choose your image right now find the smaller areas like friends and video-games ect. where you can be your self and not pretend. good luck.

[tSwitch]

thanks for the support guys, I'm trying to be open in places where I can, and probably am going to be hanging out with Erin more often.  Hopefully things will work out for the best.