Ok, as a pretense, things I'm going to explain something about myself here that I have told maybe two people on RMRK who I trusted, but right now I really need people to talk to and I feel like I can trust people here to be understandable, maybe sympathize, and be mature about things. So please, don't prove me wrong, I'm not posting this to cause drama, or get a spotlight shown on me, or to try and be a special snowflake, and if I could explain things without it, I would, since I don't like telling more than is necessary to get a point across, but I can't. So please, just be mature here, I'm not going to cause a shitstorm and I know I'll get mocked outside this thread by someone (maybe not on this site, but on others..) but I'm not really even going to take it outside the thread (kinda like how I never even mention how I'm a furry ever and still get made fun of occasionally in some places -_-). Also this isn't a BAWW be nice to me thread. If I'm mocked I'll probably just laugh and bear it, but just know it's somewhat of a big issue with me and it'd really bite hard if people are insensitive about it, especially with how I feel right now.
OK
now that the disclaimer is out of the way...
For those who don't know, I was in FL all of last week during my break between the Associates Ending (got my degree \o/) and Bachelor's starting (this week).
I've come to certain realizations after this last trip to Florida, and am feeling like total shit right now over a few things that I really just need to talk to somebody about, so I came here to Bean Bags.
First off, self-expression.
Let's get the big point out of the way right at the start of it all. I'm TG. Like Amber/Tommy, I feel the same way. Not "dresses up in skirts in public and wishes he could just chop it off with a kitchen cleaver" TG, but more like a quiet TG who wears panties sometimes and has a folder full of images that they wish they could be type of TG. I realize I'd never pass if I dressed up so don't try to, and also don't feel like forcing my self-image on other people. Have been since ages ago, met Amber on a chat somewhat about it, was going to say something a long time ago, but then the Dertt shitstorm happened and I got too apprehensive to even try. So yeah, big thing there.
The issue is I feel like...well outside of the company of Amber and my friend Erin I can't ever be myself. I have to pretend at home to be this tough big brother figure to my little brothers, and basically appear like I have for years. I can't act how I feel because it'd cause questions, it was bad enough to tell them I liked guys, they'd probably have heart attacks if I told them I was TG (parents), so I keep up the appearance of the first born son and try as hard as I can to smile and go on with my life, with it feeling more and more artificial as I go along. Sure I can dress up in my room, I do sometimes but it feels like I'm more quietly ashamed of who I am rather than...well being who I am. I feel like I'm totally smothered by this idea of who I'm supposed to be, which is totally who I am not, and I don't know what to do. I can't pass so going to a bar or a club or something and pretending to be a girl around people I don't know won't work, if I even knew of any I could go to. I have all of one friend who understands how I feel and is cool with it IRL, but again there's nowhere I could go and be comfortably me. I don't know how to handle it at all, it just is getting harder and harder to grin and continue the facade of myself that I have been for ages and I guess I need a bit of an outlet.
I've been trying art but that really only helps so much. A bit of a weird question, but do any of you have any sort of..I dunno..idea about self-expression that might help? I realize probably just about nobody here is in the same boat but I guess maybe I'm hoping that someone might be able to point me in the right direction.
Second Point
My life feels completely and totally fake.
I feel like I'm living an illusion here in Mass. School, home, laugh and go along with it, small town etc... It all feels like a never-ending dream. If I could put a song to it, it'd be "Every Day is Exactly the Same" by NIN because that's how it feels. I feel like I'm living this television re-run of a life I don't even live. I don't know if it's my separation anxiety, but everything felt so much more vivid, and I felt actually alive for the week I was in FL, only to feel totally fake and dead here. Take it as you will, I really can't explain this one, it just feels terrible.
Third Point
My family.
I realized this the day before I came back, but I really really REALLY hate my family life a lot more than I knew before. I literally was crying not because I had to leave, but because the place I was returning to is full of people who yell all day long, don't get along, and is pretty much as dysfunctional as it gets while still maintaining somewhat of a family feeling. Dad yells about tiny little things like dishes, JT and Nick yell over who has to take the dog out, Ben is autistic so he is loud but just because that's how he is, that's the only thing I really don't mind. Ben is Ben, but everyone else seems to just be constantly agitated all the time about something. It literally feels like a war zone sometimes, and when everything explodes I can't even talk because if I say -anything- I am a dead wrong 20 year old kid who doesn't understand how things work and maybe when you are my age you'll get a clue and think back to this and say "damn I guess my dad was right". I really don't know how to deal with it. It's just an oppressive atmosphere and I am now wondering how I was ever happy living here in my life.
That's all I can really type right now, I'm going to draw, and will probably be in IRC most of the night. Please, if you don't have something nice or constructive to say, just don't post, I don't need negativity right now of all times and I just need some people I can talk to.