Telling a games story with out giving to much/little away: My weakness!

[Taiine]

(I didn't think this fit in new projects as I'm just asking for help and advice with the story to my game)

My game has been in development for a few years, and have gone though some remakes to the story to iron out some kinks and while I feel that I at last have most if not everything sorted out. I still had one dilemma.

I suck at telling an intro story/summering it with out spoiling key details or telling to little information.

Perhaps during my last few days of net time, you guys could help a bit? Someone to look though for spelling error's would also be nice, while I have ran everything through a spell checker I know it's not perfect. ^^;

World & Story

Spoiler: ShowHide

Danavur, a large kingdom ruled by King Bolveir Morin, a man known to have an iron fist when it comes to upholding the law, yet also holds a soft spot for the people under his rule. In this world magic was an uncommon sight. Only those that had an attunement to mana could hope to learn the methods to shape and weald its energies and earn the title of Magi, with the best recognized by the King himself earning a place with in the nation's forces. However in recent decades, a new form of magic was discovered, magic that had been used once in decades past then sealed away for 'unknown reasons'... unknown until now. This magic is that of summoning. A method of opening rifts from our world into a netherworld, and call forth its inhabitance to do the magi's bidding.

No one knows when the first people began to become 'possessed' by these 'summons', but the act soon gave these being's a new name...No longer 'summons', they were 'demons'. As time went on, more and more people were found to have been possessed, or 'bound' as it began to be known as. Much worse, it was feared that some people were willingly allowing themselves to become 'bound' in order to gain a large portion of the demons strength and power, as well as belief of an eternal life. It was as if an epidemic was spreading across the nation and its forces struggled to keep it under control. It was set in motion by the king that the act of Summoning was to be banned, and any person found to be bound, rather willing or not was to be executed on sight in fear of the demon's influence or control over their host.

In these hard times, two young brothers had dreams of joining the King's forces as Magi. Their attunement with mana was strong but even with their teachings the elder brother didn't feel that they were learning enough, he wanted to become better, stronger. What they were being taught just wasn't enough for him... he wanted more for himself and his younger brother, and would do whatever it would take for them to achieve their goals.

...but at what price?

Characters

Spoiler: ShowHide

Name: Keiran Shandro
Age: Unknown (Looks mid-20′s)
Bio: A bright young man who's world got turned upside down. When his older brother showed that he wished to join the King's forces of Elite Magi, Keiran was quick to follow suite. They worked hard to earn the coin needed to pay their way into further training with a master to learn more on mana control and manipulation. However when his brother started to want to go beyond there teachings, Keiran as always was right behind.

Name: Saliren Shandro
Age: Unknown (Looks Mid-Late 20′s)
Bio: A young stern man, and Keiran's older brother. He wanted nothing more than to become an Elite Magi under the King's command, and he would do whatever it takes to achieve that goal... When an old Magi, known as the Keeper offered the brothers an opportunity to access a series of books that would unlock their true potential, in exchange for safe guarding the books from others, Saliren was quick to agree...

Name: Aileen Reim
Age: 32
Bio: A quiet, withdrawn woman. Aileen is an unwed, single mother to her only daughter she named Meira. Together they work to maintain a small farm that had been passed down to her. However they have started to fall under hard time, it's becoming a struggle just to make it by each day.

Name: Meira Reim
Age: 9
Bio: The only child to Alieen, she is very bright and tries her best to help her mother keep up the small farm they live at. At such a young age, she has developed an attunement to Mana, and can see the aura of people she encounters, telling if they are a good person, or have darker intentions... She has taken an instant liking to Keiran, even though he is Bound, she can still see the goodness in his heart.

Name: 'The Keeper'
Age: Unknown
Bio: A strange old Magi that made mention to have been following the brothers for quite some time, watching them train hard... and knew of the elder boys desire to extend his knowledge. He offered the boy's access to a series of six books that would unlock their true potential, but only under one circumstance... that they were to become the new keepers to these books, to safe guard them and the power they hold with in their pages.

Name: King Bolveir Morin of Danavur
Age: 63
Bio: Bolveir is known to have an iron fist when it comes to upholding the law, yet also holds a soft spot for the people under his rule. He has become increasingly troubled by word of increased demon activity, and is trying to find means to scoff out the summoners that are bringing forth such creatures from their netherworlds, and eliminate all to be found Bound.

Below is also some extended info that will be found as books with in the game, so the player can learn more if they desire. Some may be reworded/redone as these started as just story notes/ideas so I didn't forget a detail. :3

Spoiler: ShowHide

Magic & Magi:

Magic is an art form learnable only to those who have an attunement to mana. While the advanced spells may only be learned by those that possess a strong control over mana; common people may also learn rather on their own or from a teacher some lesser forms of magic. A Magi is typically the term that is tied to any person that has learned any form of magic. Lesser Magi are common people that have learned to wield the easier to learn spells, one of the most common one is that of creating a small light source. Elite Magi are those that have been accepted into their nation's forces.

For one to become an Elite Magi, they must present themselves to a grand master of the art to showcase their skill and control. Only if they pass may they then be presented to their nations King to again showcase themselves. If the King approves and find's a use for the skills shown, then, and only then can that person enter into the training needed to become an Elite Magi.

Elite Magi are required to learn a wide range of magic in order to work alongside their nation's soldiers in safe guarding the people and preserving order. Elite Magi are also often joined with a beast partner that will aid them. These beasts are 'linked' to the Magi by having a small portion of the Magi's spiritual energy infused with in them. The beasts roles vary based on the Magi's needs, some may serve as lookouts while others may aid in defense or patrol. Being linked, the Magi may also barrow control over their beast partner to perform various tasks, such as seeing things though their eyes.

Demons:

'Demons' as they are known as, are not native to the world. They only started to appear with the rediscovery of darker magic that had been used once in decades past then sealed away for 'unknown reasons'. This darker magic is that of summoning. Magic that allowed Magi to open rifts from our world to a netherworld and call forth its inhabitance, 'demons' to do the magi's bidding.

The name 'demon' is perhaps a misleading one, as there are no signs that they are an 'evil' or 'demonic' entity. The term 'demon' is only referenced due to their ability to 'possess' per say a person soul, and that they are summoned from a Netherworld. Nether Demons also don't have a specific weakness to one elemental alignment over another (such as holy) an earth based spell can be just as effective against them as a holy spell. 

In their original form, Demons appear to be purely energy-based creatures, appearing as a red glowing mist of various sizes and forms that remain so unless they merge onto the soul of a living being. In their nether form, physical attacks cannot harm them, although they are still vulnerable to magical assaults. If the Demon however has become merged with a human or animal host, then they too gain the same vulnerabilities they do, though some may still show a higher resistance.


Demon Bound:

An individual who has had their soul merged with a nether demon. Those that become bound will be 'branded' by a nether mark somewhere on their person. In some cases one or both eyes may also turn red.

A person who is bound will gain a large portion of the demons strength and power, along with an extended life span (supposed immortality). It is the thought of power and eternal life that draws many to willingly allow a demon the merged with their soul in exchange for their 'gifts'.

While bound the demon may influence the person's actions or in a worse case, take over the person fully. There are no sign's to tell witch of these are the case, and it is common belief that if you are bound, you are under full control of the demon.



Not so common knowledge:

Most people believe that a demon may try and possess an unlucky soul at any given opportunity, leading some to go to great lengths to prevent it using wards and other means to keep them away. However studies show that possession of an unwilling soul is very rare.

That may be due to man's frailness. If a demon tried to possess an unwilling soul, the struggle against it may be too much to bare, or the demons power may be too overwhelming, leading to the person's death. This may also lead to the demons own death, if not severely weakening it if they had become only partly merged. It is for that fact that demons seem to seek out those willing to summon them and allow the demon to merge with their soul willingly in exchange for the demons power and what many believe is immortality.

Animals are far easier to merge with then man, and due to their simple minds they are easier to fully control. However beasts are unable to wield magic so the demons would be limited to only the animals strength merged with their own.


Theories:

While a demons intelligence is unclear, it has been seen some to be more so then others. Some perhaps being on par with that of a human, others less so. This is seen in how nether demons seem to prefer a willing human host rather than say a beast. Along with how they appear to learn from their host's known skills and desires.

Some magi who have studied the nether demons more closely speculate that they may not be purposely turning the people they possess 'evil', but rather they are continuing their natural behavior from their world in ours. As if taking a wild animal out of its normal environment and placing it in another, possession may just be one way they have learned to adapt to our environment and learn our ways.

When a person becomes bound, it is believed that along with the demons power, that they also gain immortality, a 'forever life'. However that may not be the case, while it is known that those bound have an extended life, it may very well just be the demons own life energy keeping them alive, and while no one really knows how long these demons may live, there have been some seen to have 'passed away' possibly due to age, or even ailment.

[The Niche]

All looks good. You've got some interesting and unusual ideas there that ought to make quite the story. I've nothing to add, but I'll tell you if I think of anything.

[Aqua]

Spellcheck/Grammarcheck/Other comments

Danavur, a large kingdom ruled by King Bolveir Morin, a man known to have an iron fist when it comes to upholding the law, yet also holds a soft spot for the people under his rule.

This 'sentence' has no predicate.
"a man known to have an iron fist when it comes to upholding the law, yet to also hold a soft spot for the people under his rule."
Parallel structure with "to have" and "to hold"
Also, it's a pretty wordy description.

Only those that had an attunement to mana could hope to learn the methods to shape and weald its energies and earn the title of Magi, with the best recognized by the King himself earning a place with in the nation's forces.

Super lengthy sentence.
"to learn the methods of shaping and wielding its energies and to earn the title of Magi, the best of which the King himself recognizes and appoints places within the nation's forces"
It could get a little confusing if you use "to -verb... to -verb", so I changed it into "to -verb... gerund"
Changed the second half to avoid passive voice.
"Places" has to be plural since "best (of the Magi)" is plural.
Hm... maybe split it into two sentences after "Magi," because it is really wordy... lol

However in recent decades, a new form of magic was discovered, magic that had been used once in decades past then sealed away for 'unknown reasons'... unknown until now.

Perhaps avoid using "decades" twice in the sentence?

This magic is that of summoning. A method of opening rifts from our world into a netherworld, and call forth its inhabitance to do the magi's bidding.

"This magic is that of summoning: a method to open rifts from our world into a netherworld and call forth its inhabitance to do the Magi's bidding."
Added a colon to introduce the description.
Parallel structure with "to open" and "[to] call".
Capitalized the M in "Magi"

No one knows when the first people began to become 'possessed' by these 'summons', but the act soon gave these being's a new name...No longer 'summons', they were 'demons'.

"beings", not "being's"

Much worse, it was feared that some people were willingly allowing themselves to become 'bound' in order to gain a large portion of the demons strength and power, as well as belief of an eternal life.

"demons'"  Need the ' after the s to show possesion
"as well as possible eternal life." - "belief of an eternal life" implies that after the people become bound, they start to believe in eternal life.  I think you mean that people would be bound in order to gain eternal life.

It was as if an epidemic was spreading across the nation and its forces struggled to keep it under control.

"It was as if an epidemic was spreading across the nation, and its forces struggled to keep it under control." - Comma after "nation" to avoid run-on.

It was set in motion by the king that the act of Summoning was to be banned, and any person found to be bound, rather willing or not was to be executed on sight in fear of the demon's influence or control over their host.

"The King banned the act of summoning, and any person found to be bound, whether willing or not was to be executed on sight in fear of the demons' influences or control over their hosts."
"The King banned the act of summoning" - It's just a simpler way to say what you mean and avoid using the passive voice.
The phrase is "whether or not," rather than "rather or not"
"demons'" - plural, s goes before '
"influences" - Since demons is plural, so must be influences
"control" has no plural form thing...
"hosts" must be plural since not all the demons control one person.

In these hard times, two young brothers had dreams of joining the King's forces as Magi.

In these hard times, two young brothers dreamed of joining the King's forces as Magi.
It's always better to use the past tense of a verb that using "had noun" when possible.

Their attunement with mana was strong but even with their teachings the elder brother didn't feel that they were learning enough, he wanted to become better, stronger.

"Their attunements with mana was strong, but even with their teachings the elder brother did not feel that they were learning enough.  He wanted to become better and stronger."
"attunements" should be plural since they each have one.
Comma after "strong" to avoid run-on.
"did not" is more formal and seems to fit better in this story than the informal contraction.
Made "He wanted to..." a new sentence to avoid run-on.
"better and stronger" is more grammatically correct, but you could use "better, stronger" for stylistic purposes.

What they were being taught just wasn't enough for him... he wanted more for himself and his younger brother, and would do whatever it would take for them to achieve their goals.

"What they were being taught just was not enough for him... He wanted more for himself and his younger brother, and he would do whatever it might take for them to achieve their goals."
"was not" - formal thing again.
"he would do whatever it might take" - I did not like the way it sounded with two "would"s

---
I can't do anymore...
Too tired @.@
But um... errr...
Feel free to accept or ignore my changes...
And I might have missed some things or did them wrong.

I'll read more later... maybe...
-goes to sleep-

[Taiine]

Thanks for the advice. I'll look into making the changes when I have the tree time (saved this to notepad for future ref)

anyone else have any thoughts or advice for the story? :3

[G_G]

I'm posting this to let you know something, while you haven't gotten a reply from me, I still read it. I liked it but I can't give major feedback because even as I was five, my stories were very uncreative. I have a concrete cement block when it comes to creativity/imagination. Which is maybe why I'm such a good coder. Maybe not. I'll leave it at that, sorry I couldn't really help. =\