Sorry it took so long to get around to it... /editorialmode(on)
I've started previewing the first couple of chapters of Nawm, and I have a few suggestions. I apologize if they come across as overly critical or harsh, as I submit them to you with only the best of intentions.
Your writing style is interesting and keeps the narration moving forward, but has a tendency to break at grammatically inappropriate times. This can feel like the grammatical equivalent of a hiccup or stutter to some readers and has a tendency to break flow. Unless you have made the choice as a writer to have your character speak in distinctly fragmented sentences or using incorrect grammar, it can have the unintended effect of undermining their personality and making them feel artificial. TerrenceAym picks up on this in his comment and offers excellent advice. I strongly recommend you read his revision very carefully, looking specifically at the way that his alterations change the entire flow of your character's monologue. For what it's worth, you seem to have taken his advice to heart as these types of errors are much less frequent in the first and second chapters.
I picked up on several places where verbs had the incorrect tense, leading to additional problems with flow. I know I sound like I'm harping on this point, but I can't stress how important it is in keeping your readers with you. Another very important consideration is your choice of words. At the end of every descriptive sentence, you should ask yourself, "do the words I've used here effectively convey the atmosphere or meaning I'm trying to get across to the reader?"
Tone and direction of narration are just fine. By the end of chapter 1, the reader has pretty good insight into your main character's personality and base motives. Your story is based on what has now become a very standard premise, but you have a distinct advantage in the perspective of your main character. You already realize this and are taking advantage of it, but I'd like to see you take it further. It has a lot of potential, but you need to make sure your reader doesn't give up simply because they hit a few grammatical road blocks.
If you would like me to cite specific examples used in forming any of the above criticism, I will be happy to provide them.
The most important thing is not to get discouraged. As I touched on earlier, you seem to be very good at receiving (and, more importantly, acting) on criticism. Your story has a lot of potential, and I'm looking forward to reading over the next few chapters.
Regards,
-The Man In the Red Hat