Author Topic: Advice Please?  (Read 1546 times)

Offline tSwitch

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Advice Please?
« on: March 30, 2011, 03:17:08 AM »
Ok so big deal.

Tom might be moving up here within the next 3 weeks.
A friend of mine (and recently him) is in need of roommates, as his mother (who owns the apartment) is going to be moving in with someone else, and needs to rent it out.  I want to move in with Tom at the place.

It's about 20 minutes away from where I live now, and rent would be $750 a month before utilities.  Split between the minimum of 3 people, this would be pretty easy to manage.  This is not what I am worried about.

What I'm worried about is my parents.
They're just a bit overprotective sometimes.

I'm expecting to get a long long long lecture about how I'm immature, irresponsible, and have no idea what I'm doing when I tell them I want to move out.  I'm also expecting to hear "well then pay for college yourself."  Why does this bother me?  We owe about $600+ a month to the school and we haven't paid for a while, leaving me with probably $3k unpaid, and no hold on my account surprisingly.  If they don't help me pay for school (which they have been) then I can't finish.

I need to finish school, but I don't want to live here and deal with all the shit I get on a daily basis.

I'm not sure how to go about broaching the subject, and I'm afraid of being forced to stay by threats of being unable to finish school.
 
:(

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Offline ForeverZer0

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Re: Advice Please?
« Reply #1 on: March 30, 2011, 03:39:28 AM »
It will go along way to remain calm and remain acting like an adult throughout the conversation.  I would approach them in a way as if you are coming to them for advice on the situation, not "telling them how its gonna be". They will likely say no (I don't know your parents, but mine resemble very much like what you described, so I'm going off that). State how you feel about the situation, the pros and cons that you see, possible outcomes, etc., etc.. This will show a maturity, and not just a "I want to get the fuck outta here" attitude. Once they see that you are not just blindly rushing into something just to get out from under their thumb, but making a thought-out rational decision, their own attitudes will be different. I'm not saying this is going to make them jump on board, but it may soften the blow when you do tell them of the choice you have made. There may not be the big falling out, and the "no-more-college" bullshit that there would have been.

Also, don't feel that the whole issue has to be resolved in a single sit-down conversation. You can bring it up, and if things start leaning towards an argument, let it go for a few days before it becomes an issue. They may realize that although you are their child, they can't hold onto you forever, and this is merely the first big step in that direction.

I don't know, much of this stuff is hard to give advice on, since everyone's relationship with their family is unique, but I hope that what I said helps you somehow.
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Offline tSwitch

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Re: Advice Please?
« Reply #2 on: March 30, 2011, 03:41:40 AM »
Hopefully it's that simple.

And honestly, they really can't tell me 'no you can't move', considering that I'm 21.
They could force me to stay by revoking college funding, but that's it :/

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Offline ForeverZer0

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Re: Advice Please?
« Reply #3 on: March 30, 2011, 03:50:48 AM »
That's why it is important to try to move out without burning any bridges behind you. They can't force you to say, and ultimately you can leave whenever you feel like, but things will be sooooo much easier if you can manage to do it without a simple "I asked, you said no, so I said fuck you and left anyway". if you can get them to go along with it, even begrudgingly, it will make life much easier down the road, plus show a large amount of maturity. It may take A LOT of work, but it will be worth it in the end.
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Re: Advice Please?
« Reply #4 on: March 30, 2011, 08:32:24 AM »
Everything what F0 said. it is cruical that you stay calm during the entire conversation. Do not raise your voice at all, not a single time. If they present you with a fact that you haven't thought about, don't get thrown off your path. Acknowledge that you haven't thought about that part and ask them for advice about it if you can't think of any possible solution at that moment.
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Re: Advice Please?
« Reply #5 on: March 30, 2011, 02:12:29 PM »
Everything what F0 said. it is cruical that you stay calm during the entire conversation. Do not raise your voice at all, not a single time. If they present you with a fact that you haven't thought about, don't get thrown off your path. Acknowledge that you haven't thought about that part and ask them for advice about it if you can't think of any possible solution at that moment.

I'm no expert in the matter, seeing as how I've never won an argument with my mother if she can't tolerate my view, but it seems likely that if you ask them for advice, they'll tell you you should stay. I'm not saying don't do it, because it would show yet more maturity and the more maturity you show, the harder it is for them to argue against the idea.

But if they present you with something you haven't thought of, (after you do what Blizzard said) go off, calmly obviously, and then broach the subject later when you do have a solution. It'll also help because it'll give all of you time to calm down.
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Re: Advice Please?
« Reply #6 on: April 10, 2011, 05:17:56 PM »
Official news right now is that we've got until about May 1st to move in and start paying rent or the apartment is going on Craigslist.  I'm talking to my boss on Monday to arrange getting more hours/work, which should go well; he sounds optimistic about me being able to dedicate more time to work.

Now I just need to figure out how to talk to my parents @_@
I have read the advice here and etc... it's just not as easy as it should be to figure out how to approach the subject, what to say, etc...

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Offline ForeverZer0

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Re: Advice Please?
« Reply #7 on: April 10, 2011, 06:21:30 PM »
I broke the ice by simply bringing it up in passing conversation. I just started off telling them about this "idea" I had to move out and acted excited about it. I didn't approach it as a serious sit-down conversation at first, but it will likely turn into one. It kind of helped for the initial topic starter, which seems to be the most difficult part.
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Re: Advice Please?
« Reply #8 on: April 10, 2011, 06:28:29 PM »
I kinda don't think it'd be a good idea just to mention it in passing, that might make it worse.

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Offline Blizzard

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Re: Advice Please?
« Reply #9 on: April 10, 2011, 08:17:54 PM »
Lol, coincidentally I am moving in on May 1st as well. xD
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Re: Advice Please?
« Reply #10 on: April 10, 2011, 09:05:57 PM »
you might just be over thinking it. about five years ago I had to tell my dad that I broke the family computer. the initial reaction was a huge explosion but he quickly calmed down and the conversation turned into how to fix it. three years later I wasted to buy my own computer and I was afraid that that their immediate reaction would be to say no because of that fiasco. it was really hard to breach the subject at first but once I did they were surprisingly receptive to the idea.

as hard as it may be to break the conversation cold it is likely your best bet. start off with saying your friend is getting an apartment and you want to move in with him. their reaction will probably not be as bad as you expect.
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Re: Advice Please?
« Reply #11 on: April 10, 2011, 10:31:11 PM »
I suppose.
It really doesn't seem that easy.

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Re: Advice Please?
« Reply #12 on: April 10, 2011, 10:33:08 PM »
It doesn't seem that easy because it's not. :/

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Re: Advice Please?
« Reply #13 on: April 10, 2011, 10:36:41 PM »
A little tact never hurt anyone.  You could mention that you appreciate everything they've done for you, and that you are ready to move out.  Try and frame it as something normal that every child has to do at some time or another.  Present yourself as though you've carefully planned it out.

Also, don't take no for an answer.  If they try and disagree, you have to hold steady.  Of course, don't plead, or whine, or anything like that, but emphasize that this is what you need to do right now.