Paranoia.

[Vell]

SO AS YOU ALL MAY KNOW, I AM A HORRENDOUSLY PARANOID PERSON.

THIS PARANOIA OF MINE HAS BEEN A CONSTANT FACTOR, ESPECIALLY PRESENT IN MY INTERNET INTERACTIONS WITH PEOPLE.

IN FACT, MY PARANOIA HAS MOST AFFECTED YOU ALL. Or at least those who were around before I left. See, I'm a very intelligent and creative person(as you all can tell). I'm pretty good at manipulating people and events - when I have a motivation to do so. Especially back when, my paranoia was a -very- good motivation. So, I manipulated a number of people and in the end, I shaped the opinion of me of everyone here.

Well so what? A number of you may ask. That's my public opinion; I can take steps to ensure it's positive. Well, you guys don't know the extent of what I did.

Blizz, remember that goddamn douche who hacked my account? Jared? It kind of begins with him. Back before he came here. Sally and I met him on some half-assed MMO attempt some dumbass calling himself NeoDan or whatever - I don't remember exactly - was running. When he continued talking to sally after I got us all banned(that was rather easy, too), I wanted him gone from her life. I don't remember how exactly, but either through sally or talking to him myself, I got him to show up at CP. I didn't anticipate that he'd hack my account (that was a slip-up that made my paranoia worse, and I've since eradicated any chance of it happenign again) but yeah.

I knew he'd make an ass of himself and get himself banned. That helped lower Sally's opinion of him, so all in all it lead to a few good results. But I had a secondary purpose by luring him here. See, on that MMO thing, Sally and I masqueraded as sisters. By that, I mean we claimed to be both female and related by blood. We're not related by blood, in truth. But until that point, nobody here at CP had any idea about what I was. And here's where I try to cement myself to this community... See, that Jared guy thought I was a girl. And when Sally's around, I can put on a damn good show of being one. And here's the truth.

Everyone, I'm a guy. To you all, that's like saying 'the sky is blue' or 'rivers flow' or some other some such obvious statement of some fact. To me, admitting it to -anyone- on the internet makes it hard for me to breathe. I'm so heavily paranoid that even thinking of opening up at all makes my own body rebel against me. So as a conclusion to Jared's purpose, he thought I was a girl. He said so; therefore, it was easy to convince everyone was one, while still having reasonable liability... and those who were 'sure' of my sex promised to keep it secret. There's few easier ways to ensure something gets around than to make someone promise to keep it secret. Make enough people promise, and one is bound to spread it to a 'trustworthy' acquaintance who will spread it to another some such. Get my point?

So I got to continue claiming to be 'The IT' this mysterious radioactive bulldog that can and will destroy you given half a chance... and I got everyone to believe a lie. This is what I'm capable of. I think the reason I got progressively worse before I was banned was that it was getting to me - I got burnt out on the lie, so to say. My paranoia was probably firing off in a thousand directions, too. So.

Since I left this place, I've taken... steps to alleviate some of it. So although I'm freaking out in more ways than one, I felt like you guys had to know this. Especially since some of you may be considering going to the other forum I go to. the one I'm more active at. Because it's largely due to that place and the people there that I'm growing as a person and am able to combat my paranoia this much.

I'm sorry everyone, I've manipulated a bunch of you in a number of ways... I can't say I feel terrible about it; I feel as if I can't. But I do need to apologize. I despise doing it, y'know? I get flashes sometimes - murderous images. I've got a vivid imagination. There's a thread at the other forum where I elaborate on an Eldritch nightmare I had once. The images are burned into my brain and it shook my psyche. The human body just doesn't do that.

So yeah.

Um.

I'm going now.

[ForeverZer0]

I know that I don't really don't know you at all. But seriously.

Spoiler: ShowHide

You should not be so self-centered all the time wondering what everyone is thinking of you. Its the internet.
I find it hard to believe that very many, if anyone, cares as much as you think they do. I don't mean that in that in the "we don't care about you and hope you die" kind of way, but more in the "this random is simply an avatar and some text on the screen" way. You shouldn't care so much what everyone thinks about you, because they don't. That's no way to live your life.

[Spaceman McConaughey]

I agree with F0 %100.

I could not have said it any better than he did.

[Vell]

I know that I don't really don't know you at all. But seriously.

Spoiler: ShowHide

You should not be so self-centered all the time wondering what everyone is thinking of you. Its the internet.
I find it hard to believe that very many, if anyone, cares as much as you think they do. I don't mean that in that in the "we don't care about you and hope you die" kind of way, but more in the "this random is simply an avatar and some text on the screen" way. You shouldn't care so much what everyone thinks about you, because they don't. That's no way to live your life.

Shit, as if that is anything to do with this.

I don't care about other peoples' opinions. Paranoia is a defense mechanism. It's not 'I'm paranoid people will think badly of me' it's 'I'm paranoid someone is going to find out information about me and come to my house and murder me.'

YEAH, IT'S ILLOGICAL.

THAT'S KIND OF PART OF THE DEFINITION OF PARANOIA.

Just. Really.

EDIT:

Moreover, I've been hesitant to be more active here because I'm not comfortable. I'm stuck in a shell made of self-esteem and self-confidence issues, and I'm trying to get out of it. I keep trying to throw myself into the community here, but I keep feeling like there's a backlash. I've stated before that I don't feel like I fit in, that etc etc.

I'm what's the center of the issue. I'm not adapting to your community, so I'm trying to get more comfortable here by fighting my paranoia and telling people about me. As I said before, that is really goddamn difficult. For me.

This isn't about how y ou all feel about me. This is me trying to get MYSELF to be able to FIT IN WITH YOU GUYS and GROW AS A PERSON to get past this CRIPPLING PARANOIA I'M AFFLICTED BY.

You two make me want to crush heads.

[ForeverZer0]

Don't make me go through the archives and throw 1,000 quotes of yours that contradict your last statement and throw them in your face.
I'm not saying this to anger or insult you. I being real and honest.

[Vell]

Heads.

Yours.

CRUSH.

[ForeverZer0]

lol

You see how angry you get?
Why do you care what I think of you?

Seriously, though, I mean no offense to you. I stand by previous statement 100%, but I meant nothing malicious with it.
You can take that as you may. Whether you choose to maybe internalize it a little bit, or just get mad is up to you.

[Ryex]

Well Ulta, I'm not sure what to say. *thinks a bit*

I'm moved that you of all people would share this privileged information with us. and as sarcastically as that could be interpreted (text, such a poor medium for communication of emotions) I  mean it honestly and truly.

I wish you luck on your journey of personal betterment, remember, it's dangerous out there, here take this

For the personal comfort and stress relief it may provide: ShowHide

[/opportunistic Zelda reference]

[WhiteRose]

I'm not good at giving advice for this kind of thing; I'm going to leave that to Blizz, F0, or winkio. The only suggestion I can give is to just calm down and take a deep breath - you're among friends.

[winkio]

Oh Ulta, give them a break, they weren't here back when you were.  Also, people that weren't here were not here, therefore they should probably stay out of this discussion, as it has almost nothing to do with them  .

So Ulta, have you showed a picture of yourself to anyone online?  Just curious.  *hints that I would like to see* Anyways...

Based on past conversations, you are probably already thinking about these things, but just in case:
1.  Manipulation is easy.  It is not some terrible cursed power that you are burdened with, it is in fact very widely used by everyday people.  Manipulation isn't your problem, paranoia is, so try to focus on the controlling the paranoia and you should find the manipulation toning itself down on its own.
2.  How often do you talk with Sally about this stuff?  Maybe an irl therapy group would help?
3.  You said you don't feel good when you break your boundaries, such as telling us that you are a guy.  But do you feel good afterwards, perhaps with a sense of accomplishment?  Do you push your boundaries out each time, or do they always collapse back in?

I can tell that it's not pain that hinders you - you seem to be able to endure quite a lot of that.  It seems to be your thoughts, rather, that you can't always control.  There are two ways that I know of to help control thoughts - meditation and music.  I don't know much about meditation from personal experience, because I never developed a liking for it, but some people swear that it turned their life around.  The only downside is that you have to set aside some time just for that, and you can't do it in the middle of something else.  Music, on the other hand, is a great tool that can help you control your thoughts even when you are actively doing something else.  Perhaps one or both of those may be of use to you.

Now, to address Chaos Project.  Yes, there is a backlash.  Hell, even I can feel a backlash against myself here very often, even though I've been here years longer than the people causing the backlash.  You can't let it stop you.  I want you to be a part of this community, even moreso after revealing some more information about yourself and your personality.  Other people do too (g_g, Blizz, etc).  And you may find yourself having some very interesting conversations with Blizz if you would start talking to him.

[ForeverZer0]

@winkio
It is a public post on a public forum that I am a member. I will enter into the discussion as I see fit.  If it was meant to be private, then maybe it should have stayed that way. I didn't bring it up, so please no more advice when and where others may post, that is not your position. I find that slightly irritating, but then again your opinion doesn't sway my emotions that much. Your just text on my computer screen in the end.

Which brings me to my point. I'm speaking from personal experience and telling HIM that need not think the way that he does. I am happy that he is pushing his boundaries, but saying that it is a non-issue. I understand that it may not be for him, but it is to everyone one else.

My "being here back in the day" or not does not change the simple truth that nobodies opinions have any power over him, unless he gives that power to them. I said nothing wrong, and resent being chastised for it from someone who is catering to the very thoughts that give this person their problem.

Tell them that its not a big deal. They are not special. Welcome to everyone one else. This is reality. Get out of your own self-centered thoughts and see the world for what it is. These are the cold truths they need to be told.  Not  "Oh, good job, Bob, you didn't beat the shit out of your wife and children today". That's stupid. He shouldn't be beating the shit out his wife and children in the first place. Don't act like it's some profound advancement in humanity.

[Spaceman McConaughey]

Just want to point out I agree with F0's statement about this being posted in a public forum(ect. ect.).

Also, I very much agree about not letting people on the internet get to you. Sure, sometimes it gets to us(I am a great example), but then we must let it slide off our shoulders, and continue our day as normal.

[winkio]

Hm, I don't know if you two think you are somehow helping, or you feel it's your responsibility to post here, or you just can't help your craving for attention.  You aren't helping, you don't have to post here, and you can get attention other places.  Now I know everybody does pretty much the opposite of what I tell them to around here, but could you please just hold off on posting in this topic for a little?

[Spaceman McConaughey]

Hm, I don't know if you two think you are somehow helping, or you feel it's your responsibility to post here, or you just can't help your craving for attention.  You aren't helping, you don't have to post here, and you can get attention other places.  Now I know everybody does pretty much the opposite of what I tell them to around here, but could you please just hold off on posting in this topic for a little?

Everyone posts in a topic and tries to help seeks attention immediately. Of course.

Have fun there, wink. I am just glad I never had to be rude to get my point across to someone.

[Subsonic_Noise]

May I add that Ulta did tell people here multiple times that he has asbergers and that some of the things he discribed are related to that? Branden, F-Zero, you aren't helping him by what you do. Yes, maybe he can get it under control to some degree, but it isn't as easy as you claim it is and knowing some other persons with autism i think it's already amazing how far he's got.

By the way, being one of the persons to know your gender, I've always concidered you a friend, and I'm sure I'm not the only one on this board.

[Blizzard]

I'm what's the center of the issue. I'm not adapting to your community, so I'm trying to get more comfortable here by fighting my paranoia and telling people about me. As I said before, that is really goddamn difficult. For me.

This isn't about how y ou all feel about me. This is me trying to get MYSELF to be able to FIT IN WITH YOU GUYS and GROW AS A PERSON to get past this CRIPPLING PARANOIA I'M AFFLICTED BY.

It's good that you understand that there is a problem and that you are trying your best to fix it.

Don't make me go through the archives and throw 1,000 quotes of yours that contradict your last statement and throw them in your face.
I'm not saying this to anger or insult you. I being real and honest.

Let me point out that those posts were made over a year ago. People change.

Tell them that its not a big deal. They are not special. Welcome to everyone one else. This is reality. Get out of your own self-centered thoughts and see the world for what it is. These are the cold truths they need to be told.  Not  "Oh, good job, Bob, you didn't beat the shit out of your wife and children today". That's stupid. He shouldn't be beating the shit out his wife and children in the first place. Don't act like it's some profound advancement in humanity.

Admitting that to oneself is not easy and it's not an instant thing. You have to realize that and get accustomed to it. That takes time.

@Ulta again: Manipulation is a two-way road. If one person "opens" the road, the other one can use it, too. In other words, you can manipulate people that are trying to manipulate you. Now, if I ever did that to you, I won't say. You have a hard time figuring this out as it is. The last thing you need is being aware that somebody penetrated your mental defenses.

I generally don't care what your gender is, but I understand the importance to you sharing this information with us and I appreciate your trust. You still have a long way to go, don't give up.
I'll send you a PM about something that might help you a bit along your path.

[Vell]

Glad I left when I did. To be honest, I was considering not checking today - or indeed even ever at all.

And, @f0 and tug: What winkio is saying is that the large part of my original post was directed towards the older members - them being the people I was referring to in the majority of it. While it's true that this topic is intended to help me feel more comfortable here, and while I recognize(and appreciate) that you intend to be helpful, I'll express that you came off as highly condescending and inflammatory.

It's not that my initial response was rage at your words - or rather, the rage was a byproduct of how I actually felt. I was hurt. I took a leap of faith and opened up to the forum at large, and my first responses shove me into a defensive mindset. As Blizzard said, and as I tried to make clear in another topic, I've changed a lot since before I left. I think I may even have said so in this topic!

@sub: It's spelled 'Aspergers' with a p, not a b! (@Everyone: I'm aware it's pronounced similarly to ass burger, just think about the guy it's named after! He had to go his whole life with his fellows calling him ass burger - at least when he was in 3rd grade and his friends were cruel cruel children).

To respond to Winkio:

1) as you assume, I'm aware of this already. This thread itself is made to fight it! \o/
2) I'd really rather not tell anyone irl, as this mostly afflicts me on the internet anyway... or maybe I'm just being paranoid more /o\
3) ...This is confusing. I'll be entirely honest when I say that due in part to a large number of idiosyncrasies that help me get through the day, my mind is both more open to my sight and also more closed off in some ways. Suffice to say; I know how I feel in response to it, but it's a feeling hovering between several emotions and to describe it would take ages I don't feel like taking.

I make heavy use of music, often just in my head. A clip from a song, a tune from a video game... there're a lot of sounds in my brain that I can call up at any one time, and it's a useful enough tool, let me tell you. And no, I've never posted a pic of me(nor given any part of my name away [Sorry Boris, that's still gotta wait!] but I -am- looking to do some killer Golden Sun cosplay - maybe then!)

@Ryex: 's all cool, I didn't take that as sarcasm anyway!

[winkio]

Ulta, you kinda set yourself up for this one.  You made a very personal post in a very casual forum.  You can't expect everyone to recognize how personal this is immediately.  I'm not saying you did anything wrong, I'm just saying that due to the circumstances, you have to accept the errors.

Also, this is kinda awkward, but besides Golden Sun and public speaking, I don't really know much else that you are interested in / currently involved in.  Have you just been chilling out, writing stories, etc?  Anything in particular you wouldn't mind showing off?

[Blizzard]

nor given any part of my name away [Sorry Boris, that's still gotta wait!]

Rome wasn't built in one day either. Take your time.

[Vell]

@Wink: Yah, I realize that. I don't hold grudges well anyway, so it's not like I wouldn't be open to seeing things from another's point of view. Even if I have to wait for a calmer head to do so.

Well, Wink, I -did- get my first job, and lost my first job (management change, corporately 'trained' and according to some voices just didn't want to have an Aspie on the job. I was given five hours after being given a talk that made me extremely nervous about the situation - and that was it. I don't even get to apply for unemployment because I'm still 'technically' hired - they just cut all of my hours.) and most of my writing has been either unsatisfying to me(I don't like how it turned out) or in RP-form.

I RP a lot at that other forum. I'm involved in many RPs, GM one or two... I'd like to get a good few RPs going here at CP, if I can. They're fun and blah blah blah.

But mostly I've just been chilling out, yeah.

Public speaking class is fun! Monday the teacher told us that for our next speech we'd have to get up in front of the class, be handed a subject (at random) and have 10 seconds to come up with how we do it - and fill two-three minutes worth of speech, without using fillers.

I got an A because I can think on my feet.