Prologue to a book I'm writing

[legacyblade]

Hey everyone. I finally got the prologue to a state I think is good, but I wanted to see what you all think.

http://www.box.net/shared/gsr6zkyuqz

It's saved as an RTF, so even if you don't have Word, you can view it. Tell me what you think, criticism is desperately sought after. I will give you cookies if you tell me things you think don't work too well, or just seem "weird, dumb, hokey" or any other negative term. Praise is accepted as well, but I'd much rather have brutal criticism.

In particular, does it seem confusing? I want it to get the reader interested, but not be so unclear that you're left going "...what the heck?" Like I did with the old Quintessence Prologue, XD

Also, does it make you want to read the rest of the story?

[winkio]

Definitely a nice setup, definitely want to read the rest of the story.  In my opinion, you did a perfect set up, which is to describe a specific event and hint ambiguously at an underlying story.  The only thing, in my opinion, is that it is too cliched.  There were just so many in there.  Especially the ending line.  Try and do something more original that is more suited to your character that also goes along with the story's themes, perhaps something like: "A friend's life is a small price to pay" or "too bad you'll be dead" or even "Forever.  Like death."  I don't know, but it just really bugs me right now.

[legacyblade]

Well I'm glad you liked it, XD Some people say it's confusing, and hard to understand what's going on at all. And do you think you could come up with a list of the cliche lines? I haven't read much fiction published since the early 1900s, nor do I watch TV much, so I'm not quite sure what lines are cliched. (I thought they were original >_>)

Anyways, thanks for the critique, I really appreciate it. And everyone, I like the "you did this wrong" part of the critique best, so don't hesitate to tell me what you thought was off, or sucked, XD

[Calintz]

I will have a look see sometime soon, ok?
Right now, I just don't have the time...

[legacyblade]

Alright. Just so you know it's about 1.5 pages, so it shouldn't take too long, just about 5-6 minutes if you read slow. But whenever it's convenient.

[King Munkey]

Yea i will probably read it once i decide to quit using the ps3 for posting and go get on my laptop

[Calintz]

Sounds great!!

Maybe I will post the story of my game...
Yes, my game follows a book that I am writing =D

[Fallen Angel X]

Well, I've read it. It sounds good, definitely something I'd read. But, I agree with Winkio on the cliches but I don't think it's a necessarily bad thing. Just pull them off well, turn those cliches into something original, captivating, inspiring, etc. I would tell you what cliches you have but I'm tired and... yeah ._.

[Calintz]

Well, I've read it. It sounds good, definitely something I'd read. But, I agree with Winkio on the cliches but I don't think it's a necessarily bad thing. Just pull them off well, turn those cliches into something original, captivating, inspiring, etc. I would tell you what cliches you have but I'm tired and... yeah ._.

very true words about cliches...
I think I will power you up for that.

The fact that they can totally make or destroy a story on how you pull them off.

I love to read and write, and you nailed the heart of the cliche.

[winkio]

Cliched lines (from most to least):

I'm sorry, but I can't let you stand in our way.
You're helping destroy the world. What happened to you? (mostly just the "What happened to you")
You can never understand what I've gone through!
We'll do it together, just like old times.

it's like Spiderman 3 all over again!

Don't get me wrong, I can see that you have your own original ideas and themes.  It's just too Hollywood-esque.  Don't change your ideas, just how you present them.

Perhaps draw more on their emotions, and make stronger statements.  Like at the end, the one guy's anger just kind-of vanishes into "I,m sorry, blah blah blah".  Keep it going!  

Also, E-min has some major mood swings.  "What happened to you?  Have you gone mad" to "I can't understand, let's do it together" to "you're no better than..."

I mean, this guy needs a definite attitude.  He acts like he has multiple personality disorder.


My synopsis: Focus the personalities of the characters.  Then, let their personalities shape the dialogue.  The more of your characters moods and feelings you put in, the less cliched I think it will be.

[legacyblade]

Cliched lines (from most to least):

I'm sorry, but I can't let you stand in our way.
You're helping destroy the world. What happened to you? (mostly just the "What happened to you")
You can never understand what I've gone through!
We'll do it together, just like old times.

OMG, those are cliche lines? I really need to start reading more modern fiction, and watching more movies or something. Those replaced the even more cliche lines that originally filled the scene, XD Thanks for pointing them out, I never would have known them for cliches.

it's like Spiderman 3 all over again!

Oh no, I can't let that happen, XD

Don't get me wrong, I can see that you have your own original ideas and themes.  It's just too Hollywood-esque.  Don't change your ideas, just how you present them.

Perhaps draw more on their emotions, and make stronger statements.  Like at the end, the one guy's anger just kind-of vanishes into "I,m sorry, blah blah blah".  Keep it going!  

Also, E-min has some major mood swings.  "What happened to you?  Have you gone mad" to "I can't understand, let's do it together" to "you're no better than..."

I mean, this guy needs a definite attitude.  He acts like he has multiple personality disorder.


My synopsis: Focus the personalities of the characters.  Then, let their personalities shape the dialogue.  The more of your characters moods and feelings you put in, the less cliched I think it will be.

lol at the multiple personalities thing. And who are you saying's anger faded to "I'm sorry, blah blah blah"? Gemini? If so, I must have portrayed him wrong. This is one thing I wish I had actors for, its easier to communicate the right emotions, XD And thanks for the advice at the end. Let their mood control the conversation. I think the one I need to let be themselves is E-min. He's my most flat character, which is something I need to change.

@all, thanks for the advice. I'm always working to disguise the cliches in my writing enough to make them no longer cliche, so I appreciate the feedback and advice!

[fugibo]

If you used "Print to PDF", I would totally read it.

As it stands, I'm too lazy to spend 10mb of ram on opening OpenOffice.