Mana, Essence of Magic

[Vell]

She was a warrior, and she stared over the ocean. Her eyes were closed, and the beating of her heart wouldn't slow down. Her life wasn't in danger, not specifically, but she had failed. That, in the eyes of those behind her, was much worse. Her wings had already began to fade from their natural white, to the dull gray of a fallen angel. She couldn't hear the words, not in reality. They echoed in her mind, a nonstop torture. Denied access. Don't return. Amends cannot be made.

Her mission, her lifelong mission, her only mission, had been to protect Mana. She was the guardian, created and given life solely for that purpose. She had one last pure white feather. She couldn't bear it anymore. She stood no longer in Sanctum. She was falling. Falling, in the only way angels feared. She longed to apologize, she needed to prove her worth. The words formed on her lips, and-

"Denied access. Don't return. Amends cannot be made." There was no god. She knew that, yet she felt divine retribution in those words. She wanted to die. The sky no longer held her weighted feathers high. The wind whistled in her ears. Even those who fell weren't mortal. Not among her kind, and her tears reminded her of that fact. As her wings began to take flight, she denied herself that. She didn't deserve them. She had been tasked with protecting the essence of magic.

She heard a mirror crack, and knew agony as her wings faded more, into a midnight's black. Finally, they shattered, and she let out not a sound. Her eyes teared again. She didn't allow herself a sob, and she saw the ocean grow large. She landed with a splash, and let herself fall more. She fell, and continued to fall, until she finally touched the ocean floor. She regretted, she lamented. But she did not move. She had been tasked with protecting Mana, and she had failed. Amends cannot be made.

[Calintz]

Hmm ...

I like it, I really do, but I can't stop thinking about Genesis from Crisis Core when you talk about the wings changing color and dissolving.

Tips
Emphasize a tad more on the fall. Read and revise.
Emphasize a tad more on the dissipation of the wings, and her gestures and emotion towards it ...

*LVLs up*

[Vell]

hm. and I thought I was beginning to make the fall a bit too drawn out. the wings shattered, like glass shatters. and there will be an explanation of that later, and a big deal will be made of that. So I didn't want to go into too much detail now.

[Calintz]

At any rate Ulta, I do like it.

[fugibo]

I hope you're going Dickinson style with the actual writing (not the creative/story parts, but the actual writing), because you're quite redundant, and your general phrasing/structure is horrid. Other than that, good, good.

[Calintz]

Well redundancy drives the point home. Helps the reader to remember a hell of a lot easier than just saying something once, and then trying to bring it up later, or even reference it in the future of the story. In Ulta's case, it was used correctly. The redundancy was focused on one main point, exactly as it should be, rather than repeating unnecessary points of the story.

Now if she had randomly placed over-emphasis on several things that seemed unimportant, then I would agree with you WcW, but things seem correct to me.

[fugibo]

Well redundancy drives the point home. Helps the reader to remember a hell of a lot easier than just saying something once. This was done correctly though, as the redundancy was focused on one main point, exactly as it should be.

By redundancy, I mean she used the exact same sentence structure and words repeatedly while trying to convey different points and ideas. In other words, the bad kind of redundancy.

[Calintz]

I know what you mean, but the (imaginary) rules of redundancy don't say you HAVE to change anything. There is still no grammatical errors per say. It's technically correct, while yes ... quite repetitive, but I kinda enjoy her style.

The only problem in your suggestion WcW, would be that there really isn't a real substitute for her words, as they are all native to the story. They each hold specific value as themselves, and don't have real stand-ins unless she creates more original aliases for them.

[Vell]

thanks for defending me Calintz, however I want to see if what he is saying has more merit than I want to admit, so I'm calling in a third party for another opinion.

[Starrodkirby86]

It can almost feel like a long poem with this continued style usage. The first time I read the story casually, I didn't spot any big errors or whatnot. It was just fine as is. Upon rereading, I noticed a lot of the same similar sentence type that WcW mentions. It felt intentional though, and if you know you're breaking any sort of rule or condition (Like you're doing that on purpose), then I don't think there wouldn't be really any problem. But this "redundancy" anyway, makes it sound like some lengthy poem set in a paragraph'd form, though I don't want to say it's an epic...

[Calintz]

I'm not really defending you Ultaflame. I am just saying that your style is acceptable. I still agree with WcW's statement. That is why in my 1st reply, I implied that you read and revise.

[Vell]

can always count on Houshi to find a way to show the points of both sides. yes, it was rather intentional, in a way. I tried to keep the feel the same throughout. and yeah, it's not an epic. It's just the prologue to a story. or maybe it is a story. I haven't decided what to do with this exactly yet. I'm letting the ideas rush and am waiting for some sort of coalescence to occur.

Veh... I suppose. I really am terrible with the revising part, though \>.>/. Oh well. I'll think more on it when I get a solid idea on what I want done.

[Arkaea Halfdemon]

She was the guardian, created and given life solely for that purpose.

There was no god.

I don't get it.

[Vell]

who says you're supposed to?

[Calintz]

Lol, ouch!!

She is depicted as an angel I believe. An angel with whose sole purpose of creation was to protect something very important(the Mana). However, she failed ... and upon failing her quest, lost faith.

Is that along the right lines?

[Vell]

somethin like that, yeah. I'll prolly explain everything more later on, if I decide to...

[Calintz]

Well that's all I can gather from what's given. The story may go deeper, but I'm pretty sure there aren't anymore FACTS within its current depth ...

[Arkaea Halfdemon]

Usually it's the author's job to take care of contradictions. It's good, Ulta... it describes her feelings quite well. For the length of your piece, I'd say it's quite good. However, I don't think the sentence length was varied enough, and you didn't describe what she looked like, aside from mentioning that she was a warrior. Now, you should, of course, do physical descriptions somewhat discreetly. Let me try...

"The wind whistled in her ears." to

"As it carried across her graceful features, the wind played with her wavy, brown hair, and whistled in her ears." The problem with this, is, your piece is too dark. So we could change this idea to...

"The gentle wind carried across her once-radiant features, to twirl about in her raven hair, and to whisper harsh words to her gentle ears." That was fun to write. But, you know, you're the author, and it's your story... and your words. Hopefully I've helped in some way, though.

You also forgot to describe the environment, and time of day. I imagined a sunset, but it could've just as easily been nighttime. It's good that you put in an ocean, but how was the sky?

"She stared across the ocean, looking quietly as the life-giving orb of the sun set quietly beneath the horizon."

Though, you might want to do something that helps outline her fall... So, perhaps it would be more like:

"She stared at the dimming sun as it fell below the horizon, passing rule over the sky to the moon, and to the dark of night."

Again, though, it's not my right to say what should and shouldn't be in your writing. Just offering suggestions .

Oh, by the way...

...and she stared over the ocean. Her eyes were closed

[Diokatsu]

She was the guardian, created and given life solely for that purpose.

There was no god.

I don't get it.

Sadly, intelligence is needed to decifer the meanings behind obscure and convuluted statements. I grieve for your lack thereof.

Kidding of course.

Usually it's the author's job to take care of contradictions. It's good, Ulta... it describes her feelings quite well. For the length of your piece, I'd say it's quite good. However, I don't think the sentence length was varied enough, and you didn't describe what she looked like, aside from mentioning that she was a warrior. Now, you should, of course, do physical descriptions somewhat discreetly. Let me try...

Physical desription isn't essential in the least. Ambiguity is a subtle art, but the "easy way out" of a classical and frankly boring description is no better than a messy yet solid attempt at another style. Again, it's style and whatever Ulta chooses to put emphasis on you should question. Try suggesting rephrasings, but don't give emamples and chek grammar and spelling.

"The wind whistled in her ears." to

"As it carried across her graceful features, the wind played with her wavy, brown hair, and whistled in her ears." The problem with this, is, your piece is too dark. So we could change this idea to...

"The gentle wind carried across her once-radiant features, to twirl about in her raven hair, and to whisper harsh words to her gentle ears." That was fun to write. But, you know, you're the author, and it's your story... and your words. Hopefully I've helped in some way, though.

You also forgot to describe the environment, and time of day. I imagined a sunset, but it could've just as easily been nighttime. It's good that you put in an ocean, but how was the sky?

"She stared at the dimming sun as it fell below the horizon, passing rule over the sky to the moon, and to the dark of night."

...and she stared over the ocean. Her eyes were closed

You can't make those kinds of suggestions, regardless of how you would have written it. As long as it grammatically correct, you are reuqire as a literary critic to leave it intact and just ask for a rephrasing. Style is not universal.

[Arkaea Halfdemon]

Physical desription isn't essential in the least. Ambiguity is a subtle art, but the "easy way out" of a classical and frankly boring description is no better than a messy yet solid attempt at another style. Again, it's style and whatever Ulta chooses to put emphasis on you should question. Try suggesting rephrasings, but don't give emamples and chek grammar and spelling.

You can't make those kinds of suggestions, regardless of how you would have written it. As long as it grammatically correct, you are reuqire as a literary critic to leave it intact and just ask for a rephrasing. Style is not universal.

The suggestions were largely for my own entertainment (I rather enjoy writing). However, as a non-professional, I do believe that I'm allowed to suggest different rephrasings, or point out little nuances - I'm not witheld by any rules. Aside from moral ones, of course.

In any case, I thought I disclaimed myself from comments like yours... Darn .